Tuesday, September 22, 2015

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The ultimate 9-pin joystick; the list to end all debate!

Some things are as earth-shatteringly consequential as life and death itself, others more so, and there's quite frankly nothing to rival the sanctity of your personal preference for one 8/16-bit joystick over your friends'. Wars have been fought to establish the one true victor, blood has been spilt and lives lost... and still the crusade of these clashing titans rages with eternal ferocity.


What I intend to do here is answer the Big Question once and for all by means of aggregating all the scores awarded to the various input device incarnations throughout a broad cross-section of '80s and '90s era computer magazines.

These include many of the heavy-hitters such as Amiga Power, CU Amiga, Zzap, Crash and ST Format, given that the joysticks under scrutiny are largely platform-agnostic. The logic being that if you average out the opinions of the most notable figures in this field, we should reach a reliably objective conclusion... which we can then proceed to bicker over, and pick apart the credentials of the reviewers to bolster our own unshakeable biases!

Several of the articles award scores out of a maximum of five stars, while others offer a percentage so what I've done to make them comparable is up or down-scale them so as to fit into a simple 1-10 range.

The Amiga Power buyer's guide uses an unusual scoring system whereby joysticks are given a star rating out of five for durability and ease of use, then deducts a number of stars out of five depending on their likelihood of crippling your wrists with carpel tunnel syndrome.

To make this appraisal comparable with the others considered in this article, I deducted the latter from a maximum of five potential stars, added the three scores together, doubled and averaged them to give a mark out of ten.

Some of entries don't actually include a finite score, just a narrative. While these don't have any impact on the league table, I've included them for reference purposes regardless.


Also notable is that the 'Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite' article includes scores for all contenders except for the Professional 9000 Deluxe. This seems to have been an oversight on their part.

In their subsequent issue, Atari ST Review includes scores for joysticks they have covered previously, but this time award a percentage score which differs from their original grades. I've chosen to only include the ones that proceed the narratives rather than those in the tabulated summary because I think they may well have lost their minds at this juncture and so aren't to be trusted. ;) (actually it turns out this is a straight copy-paste job from CU Amiga's Ultimate Joystick Buyer's Guide, which was another EMAP publication, so that explains the inconsistency).

With the technicalities (and a fair bit of pompous waffle, which you probably skipped anyhow) out of the way, here's the moment you've all been waiting for *momentous drum-roll and fan-fare of trumpets*...

The List, in reverse order of supreme epic-ness, and the raw data it's based on to quell any accusations of stitch-ups (power corrupts you know!).

Below this you'll find links to scans of all the articles the scores are based on, plus a bit of bonus material that in no way influences the leader-board, yet is interesting nonetheless, and because it's nearly Christmas after all (Asda lays out its Christmas stock in August these days).

Joystick Average score No. of reviews
Hot Stuff 1.45 2
Tac 30 3.00 1
Winner 770 3.00 1
Tortoise 3.25 4
Jetfighter 3.60 2
Controller 3.85 2
CharacteriStick 4.30 2
Terminator 4.75 3
Turbo Pedal 5.00 1
Quickshot Wizmaster 5.00 3
QJ1 Turbo 5.00 1
Megablaster 5.00 4
Challenger Remote Control 5.00 1
Argostick 5.00 1
Zapper 120 5.00 1
CX40 5.00 2
Pro Ace 5.20 1
Navigator 5.81 9
Exterminator 5.95 3
Dcom 400 6.00 1
Defender Lightgun 6.00 1
Delta 3s 6.00 1
Delta 2000 6.00 1
Micro-Switch Challenger 6.00 1
Joystick 6.00 1
Quick Gunner 6.00 1
Starprobe 6.12 6
Megastar 6.22 5
Mach 1 6.22 6
Speedking 6.48 10
Turbo Fighter 6.66 1
125 Special 6.68 2
Flashfire 6.70 1
Tac 5 6.80 3
Crystal 6.84 7
Hyperstar 6.85 2
The Ultimate 6.93 4
The Bug 6.97 5
Competition Pro Extra 7.00 2
Ram Delta 7.00 1
Aussie Navigator 7.00 1
125+ 7.11 6
Micro Handler Multi-function 7.30 1
Sureshot Standard 7.43 3
Apache 7.60 1
Quickshot II Turbo 7.63 4
Python 1 7.63 3
Wico Bat Handle 7.70 1
Foot Pedal 7.73 5
The Arcade 7.75 5
Competition Pro 5000 7.83 4
Sting-ray 7.95 3
Professional 9000 Deluxe 7.97 4
Quickjoy III Supercharger 8.00 3
Analog Plus 8.00 1
Freewheel 8.00 1
Maverick 1 8.00 1
Winner 220 8.00 1
Zoomer 8.18 4
Wiz Card 8.20 1
Alpha-ray 8.25 2
Sigma-ray 8.30 3
Manta-ray 8.45 2
Zipstick 8.48 8
Bollistick 8.50 2
Cruiser 8.55 9
Wico Three Way 8.70 1
Micro Ace 9.00 1
Competition Pro 9.07 7
Joyball 9.30 2
Switch 9.60 2
Micro Pro 9.70 1
Star Cursor 10.00 2

Raw data

Joystick Manufacturer Magazine Article Pg no. Date Score
125 Special Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 66 06/92 6.66
125 Special Cheetah Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 73 01/88 6.70
125+ Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 70 06/92 7.33
125+ Cheetah Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 90 10/93 6.00
125+ Cheetah Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
125+ Cheetah Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 30 10/89 n/a
125+ Cheetah Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 70 05/86 n/a
125+ Cheetah Amiga Computing Wiggle It, Just a Little Bit 152 01/93 8.00
Alpha-ray Logic 3 Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 118 06/92 8.00
Alpha-ray Logic 3 CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 150 06/92 8.50
Analog Plus Suncom Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 67 06/92 8.00
Apache Spectravideo ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 7.60
Argostick Cheetah Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 90 10/93 5.00
Aussie Navigator ECP Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 40 12/88 7.00
Bollistick Cheetah Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 90 10/93 8.00
Bollistick Cheetah Atari ST Format Bundles of Joy 94/95 03/93 9.00
Challenger Cheetah Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 33 10/89 n/a
Challenger Infra-Red Contriver CU Amiga Wiggle It 115 04/91 n/a
Challenger Remote Control Euromax The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 5.00
CharacteriStick Cheetah Amiga Power Joysticks or Toysticks? 12 11/92 n/a
CharacteriStick Cheetah Atari ST Format Bundles of Joy 94 03/93 4.30
Command Control Wico Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64/65 01/91 n/a
Command Module Sureshot CU Amiga Wiggle It 114 04/91 n/a
Competition Pro Dynamics Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 34 05/88 n/a
Competition Pro Dynamics Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 117 06/92 8.00
Competition Pro Dynamics CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 149 06/92 9.20
Competition Pro Euromax Zzap Stocking Fillers 58 12/86 n/a
Competition Pro Dynamics Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 71 05/86 n/a
Competition Pro Powerplay Amiga Computing Wiggle It, Just a Little Bit 152 01/93 10.00
Competition Pro Dynamics Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 79 10/89 n/a
Competition Pro 5000 Dynamics Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 39 12/88 7.00
Competition Pro 5000 Dynamics ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 7.10
Competition Pro 5000 Dynamics Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 34 10/89 n/a
Competition Pro 5000 Dynamics Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 74 01/88 9.40
Competition Pro Extra Kempston Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 71 06/92 6.00
Competition Pro Extra Powerplay Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 91 10/93 8.00
Controller Bondwell Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 148 05/92 4.00
Controller Spectravideo CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 173 05/92 3.70
Converta Krackin CU Amiga Wiggle It 114 04/91 n/a
Cruiser Powerplay Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 70 06/92 7.33
Cruiser Powerplay Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 148/149 05/92 8.00
Cruiser Powerplay Crash Sticks in the Mud 79 01/89 10.00
Cruiser Powerplay CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 173 05/92 8.50
Cruiser Powerplay The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 9.00
Cruiser Powerplay Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 65 01/91 n/a
Cruiser Powerplay Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 31 10/89 n/a
Cruiser Powerplay Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 72 01/88 9.00
Cruiser Powerplay Amiga Computing Wiggle It, Just a Little Bit 153 01/93 8.00
Crystal Sonmax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 116 06/92 8.00
Crystal Powerplay Crash Sticks in the Mud 78 01/89 6.00
Crystal Sonmax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 148 06/92 8.20
Crystal Powerplay The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 4.00
Crystal Powerplay Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 65 01/91 n/a
Crystal Powerplay Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 34 10/89 n/a
Crystal Powerplay Amiga Computing Wiggle It, Just a Little Bit 152 01/93 8.00
CX40 Suncom Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 35 05/88 n/a
CX40 Atari Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 39 12/88 5.00
Dcom 400 OziSoft Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 39 12/88 6.00
Defender Lightgun Cheetah The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 43 01/90 7.00
Delta 2000 Delta The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 6.00
Delta 3s Voltmace Crash Sticks in the Mud 79 01/89 6.00
Elite Euromax Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 34 05/88 n/a
Exterminator Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 71 06/92 4.00
Exterminator Cheetah CU Amiga ? ? ? 7.90
Exterminator Cheetah Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 63 01/91 n/a
Flashfire Euromax CU Amiga Wiggle It 114 04/91 6.70
Foot Pedal Bondwell Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 68 06/92 8.00
Foot Pedal Spectravideo Amiga Power Joystick Round-Ups 22 12/91 n/a
Foot Pedal Spectravideo Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 92 10/93 8.00
Foot Pedal Spectravideo Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 117 06/92 6.00
Foot Pedal Spectravideo CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 149 06/92 8.90
Freewheel Spectravideo Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 91 10/93 8.00
Gravis MK VI Gravis Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 71 05/86 n/a
Gunshot C&L Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 71 05/86 n/a
Hot Stuff Euromax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 116 06/92 2.00
Hot Stuff Euromax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 148 06/92 0.90
Hyperstar Spectravideo Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 116 06/92 6.00
Hyperstar Spectravideo CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 148 06/92 7.70
Jetfighter Spectravideo Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 118 06/92 2.00
Jetfighter Spectravideo CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 150 06/92 5.20
Joyball Datex Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 36 05/88 n/a
Joyball Euromax Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 97 09/86 9.30
Joystick Pactronics Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 40 12/88 6.00
Kraft Kraft Systems, Inc. Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 69 05/86 n/a
Le Stick Datasoft, Inc. Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 70 05/86 n/a
Mach 1 Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 67 06/92 6.66
Mach 1 Cheetah Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 90 10/93 4.00
Mach 1 Cheetah Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 35 05/88 n/a
Mach 1 Cheetah Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
Mach 1 Cheetah Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 33 10/89 n/a
Mach 1 Cheetah Amiga Computing Wiggle It, Just a Little Bit 152 01/93 8.00
Magnum Mastertronic Amstrad Action Pick a Stick 34 03/87 n/a
Magnum Mastertronic Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 82 10/89 n/a
Manta-ray Logic 3 Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 118 06/92 8.00
Manta-ray Logic 3 CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 150 06/92 8.90
Maverick 1 Spectravideo ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 8.00
Megablaster Konix The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 43 01/90 5.00
Megablaster Konix Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
Megablaster Konix Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 31 10/89 n/a
Megablaster Konix Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 81 10/89 n/a
Megastar Kempston Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 69 06/92 4.66
Megastar Spectravideo Amiga Power Joystick Round-Ups 22 12/91 n/a
Megastar Spectravideo Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 92 10/93 7.00
Megastar Spectravideo Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 117 06/92 6.00
Megastar Spectravideo CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 149 06/92 7.20
Micro Ace Euromax Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 99 09/86 9.00
Micro Handler Multi-function Euromax Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 73 01/88 7.30
Micro Pro Euromax Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 98 09/86 9.70
Micro-Switch Challenger Pactronics Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 39 12/88 6.00
Microblaster Datex Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 36 05/88 n/a
Microblaster Datex Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 79 10/89 n/a
Microphaser Datex Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 35 05/88 n/a
Navigator Konix Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 66 06/92 4.66
Navigator Konix Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 91 10/93 4.00
Navigator Konix Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 149 05/92 6.00
Navigator Konix Crash Sticks in the Mud 78 01/89 8.00
Navigator Konix CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 173 05/92 5.80
Navigator Konix ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 6.40
Navigator Konix Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
Navigator Konix Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 34 10/89 n/a
Navigator Konix Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 81 10/89 n/a
Phasor One Britannia Amstrad Action Pick a Stick 34 03/87 n/a
Pro Ace Euromax Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 98 09/86 5.20
Professional 9000 Deluxe Euromax Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 67 06/92 7.33
Professional 9000 Deluxe Euromax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 151 05/92 ?
Professional 9000 Deluxe Euromax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 174 05/92 8.60
Professional 9000 Deluxe Suzo CU Amiga Wiggle It 115 04/91 n/a
Professional Plus Euromax Zzap Stocking Fillers 58 12/86 n/a
Python 1 Spectravideo Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 117 06/92 6.00
Python 1 Spectravideo CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 149 06/92 8.60
Python 1 Spectravideo ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 8.30
QJ1 Turbo Spectravideo Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 92 10/93 5.00
Quick Gunner ECP Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 40 12/88 6.00
Quickjoy 2 Spectravideo Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 82 10/89 n/a
Quickjoy 5 Superboard Spectravideo Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 30 10/89 n/a
Quickjoy II Spectravideo Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 30 10/89 n/a
Quickjoy II Turbo Spectravideo Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 30 10/89 n/a
Quickjoy III Supercharger Spectravideo Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 92 10/93 8.00
Quickjoy III Supercharger Spectravideo Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 63 01/91 n/a
Quickjoy III Supercharger Spectravideo Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 31 10/89 n/a
Quickjoy Jetfighter Spectravideo Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 63 01/91 n/a
Quickjoy Junior Spectravideo Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 63 01/91 n/a
Quickshot I Spectravideo Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 68 05/86 n/a
Quickshot II Spectravideo Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 68 05/86 n/a
Quickshot II Turbo Spectravideo Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 37 05/88 n/a
Quickshot II Turbo Spectravideo Crash Sticks in the Mud 79 01/89 7.00
Quickshot II Turbo Spectravideo ST Format Joysticks Roundup 50 09/93 7.90
Quickshot II Turbo Spectravideo The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 8.00
Quickshot IV Spectravideo Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 69 05/86 n/a
Quickshot IX Spectravideo Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 69 05/86 n/a
Quickshot VII Spectravideo Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 69 05/86 n/a
Quickshot Wizmaster Spectravideo The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 5.00
Quickshot Wizmaster Spectravideo Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 33 10/89 n/a
Quickshot Wizmaster Spectravideo Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 80 10/89 n/a
Ram Delta RAM Electronics Crash Sticks in the Mud 79 01/89 7.00
Sigma-ray Euromax Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 66 06/92 8.00
Sigma-ray Logic 3 Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 151 05/92 8.00
Sigma-ray Logic 3 CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 175 05/92 8.90
SIS2 Sinclair Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
Speedking Konix Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 70 06/92 6.00
Speedking Konix Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 91 10/93 5.00
Speedking Konix Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 149 05/92 8.00
Speedking Konix CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 173 05/92 8.20
Speedking Konix ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 5.20
Speedking Konix Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
Speedking Konix Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 33 10/89 n/a
Speedking Konix Amstrad Action Pick a Stick 34 03/87 n/a
Speedking Konix Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 70 05/86 n/a
Speedking Konix Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 80 10/89 n/a
Star Cursor Starcurser Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 40 12/88 10.00
Star Cursor Multicoin Amusements Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 65 01/91 n/a
Star Trak RH Design Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 33 05/88 n/a
Star Trak RH Design Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 80 10/89 n/a
Starprobe Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 67 06/92 6.66
Starprobe Cheetah Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 91 10/93 6.00
Starprobe Cheetah CU Amiga Wiggle It 117 04/91 3.80
Starprobe Cheetah Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
Starprobe Cheetah Your Sinclair Joystick Jamboree 33 10/89 n/a
Starprobe Cheetah Amiga Computing Wiggle It, Just a Little Bit 153 01/93 8.00
Sting-ray Logic 3 Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 150 05/92 8.00
Sting-ray Logic 3 CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 174 05/92 7.90
Sting-ray Logic 3 CU Amiga Wiggle It 115 04/91 n/a
Superstar Quickjoy Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 71 06/92 8.00
Superstar Spectravideo Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 92 10/93 9.00
Superstar Spectravideo Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticky Moments 118 06/92 8.00
Superstar Spectravideo CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 2) 150 06/92 8.40
Sureshot Standard Sonmax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 149 05/92 8.00
Sureshot Standard Sonmax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 172 05/92 7.50
Sureshot Standard Powerplay ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 6.80
Switch Gravis Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 150 05/92 10.00
Switch Gravis CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 174 05/92 9.20
Tac 2 Suncom Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 36 05/88 n/a
Tac 3 Suncom Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 33 05/88 n/a
Tac 3 Suncom Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 81 10/89 n/a
Tac 30 Suncom Crash Sticks in the Mud 79 01/89 3.00
Tac 5 Suncom Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 33 05/88 n/a
Tac 5 Suncom Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 71 01/88 6.80
Tac 5 Suncom Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 81 10/89 n/a
Tac 50 Suncom Your Sinclair Tidings of Comfort and Joysticks 64 01/91 n/a
Terminator Robtek Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 33 05/88 n/a
Terminator Sonmax CU Amiga ? ? ? 4.00
Terminator Robtek Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 72 01/88 5.50
The Arcade Euromax Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 71 06/92 6.66
The Arcade Euromax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 151 05/92 8.00
The Arcade Euromax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 175 05/92 8.60
The Arcade Euromax Zzap Stocking Fillers 58 12/86 n/a
The Arcade Suzo Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 71 05/86 n/a
The Boss Wico Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 71 05/86 n/a
The Bug Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 70 06/92 8.66
The Bug Cheetah Amiga Power Joystick Round-Ups 22 12/91 n/a
The Bug Cheetah Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 90 10/93 8.00
The Bug Cheetah Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 150 05/92 6.00
The Bug Cheetah CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 172 05/92 5.20
The Professional Euromax Atari ST Action Mega-test; Tools of the Trade 34 05/88 n/a
The Ultimate Euromax Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 69 06/92 8.00
The Ultimate Euromax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 151 05/92 6.00
The Ultimate Euromax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 175 05/92 5.70
The Ultimate Euromax The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 8.00
Tortoise Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 69 06/92 6.66
Tortoise Cheetah Amiga Power Joystick Round-Ups 22 12/91 n/a
Tortoise Cheetah Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 149 05/92 2.00
Tortoise Cheetah CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 172 05/92 1.10
Turbo Blaster Computek CU Amiga Wiggle It 117 04/91 n/a
Turbo Fighter Cheetah Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 69 06/92 6.66
Turbo Pedal Euromax The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 43 01/90 5.00
Turbo Pro Quick Gun CU Amiga Wiggle It 115 04/91 n/a
Wico Bat Handle Wico Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 64 11/85 7.70
Wico Three Way Wico Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 64 11/85 8.70
Winner 220 Pactronics Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 40 12/88 8.00
Winner 770 Pactronics Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 39 12/88 3.00
Wiz Card Euromax Zzap Zzapstick Joystick Reviews 98 09/86 8.20
YJ2 Amstrad Amstrad Computer User It's a Stick-up 70 05/86 n/a
Zapper 120 ECP Australian Commodore and Amiga Review Joystick Jamboree 40 12/88 5.00
Zipstick Powerplay Amiga User International Test Drive; Joysticks or Passionkillers? 91 10/93 7.00
Zipstick Sonmax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 150 05/92 10.00
Zipstick Sonmax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 175 05/92 9.50
Zipstick Powerplay ST Format Joysticks Roundup 51 09/93 8.40
Zipstick Sonmax The Games Machine Centre Bytes joystick test 44 01/90 8.00
Zipstick Euromax Amstrad Action Pick a Stick 34 03/87 n/a
Zipstick Powerplay Amiga Computing Wiggle It, Just a Little Bit 153 01/93 8.00
Zipstick Euromax Amiga Action Amiga: Megatest – Joysticks 79 10/89 n/a
Zoomer Euromax Amiga Power Buyer's Guide: Joysticks 68 06/92 5.33
Zoomer Euromax Atari ST Review Atari Buyer: Sticks of Dynamite 151 05/92 10.00
Zoomer Euromax CU Amiga Sticky Moments (part 1) 174 05/92 9.20
Zoomer RC Simulation CU Amiga Wiggle It 117 04/91 n/a

Magazine article scans

Amiga Action - Oct 89 - Joysticks Megatest (1)
Amiga Action - Oct 89 - Joysticks Megatest (2)
Amiga Action - Oct 89 - Joysticks Megatest (3)
Amiga Action - Oct 89 - Joysticks Megatest (4)
Amiga Action - Oct 89 - Joysticks Megatest (5)

Amiga Power - Jun 92 - Joysticks Buyer's Guide (1)















Saturday, June 20, 2015

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Bedrooms to Billions - an ode to UK computer gaming history

Bedrooms to Billions regales the unlikely story of how nerds bashing seemingly gibberish code into flimsy, rubber-keyed toys created by the man behind the 'space-aged, lying down peddle bike' spawned an industry worth quite a sizeable wad of moolah. Billions worth I'd imagine. Personally I'd have called it something along the lines of, "How Corporate Parasites Stole My Childhood", but then I live in the past, am jaded, and diplomacy never was my forte.


In Anthony and Nicola Caulfield's Kickstarter success story, we are invited to hear the enthralling tale directly from the horses' mouths. From horses who were there, lived it and made it happen, games developing horses no less. Now there's an image George Orwell could appreciate.

With a couple of misty eyes and a lump in the throat, it hearkens back to the era when playing computer games demanded a tad more hoop-jumping than poking an icon in Steam. You either had to save up your street-poundingly-earned paper round money and send off for one by mail order, or laboriously plough reams of magazine code into your computer to conjure up the most primitive array of monochrome pixels that would be unrecognisable as any form of entertainment to a child today. They rarely had sound and in the very early days before data storage was something we took for granted, your labour of love would be lost to the ether upon powering down your computer.


I took one glance at the sheer volume of finicky data crunching involved and cried, "you're 'avin a larf!" (despite being Mancunian), and hurriedly went back to playing 'Horace Goes Skiing'. I'm just immensely grateful other people had more patience and the tenacity to stick with it, learn from what had gone before and up the ante. They coded so we didn't have to, and for that I salute them. I believe something similar was said with regards to our forebears who fought the Germans to defend our freedom during the two world wars. While that wasn't gaming related, I suppose it had its place in history too.

In awe of these legendary pioneers, we traverse the evolution of video game creation from bedrooms to corporate office battery farms, and back again with the recent advent of mobile gaming. And folks, these pivotal moments all happened here in good ol' Blighty! We'll have none of that Atari nonsense that was going on over the pond thank you very much.


Nowhere are their accomplishments made more apparent than in the extra footage of David Braben's interview. The irony is palpable when listening to Elite's daddy - one of the most influential game developers of all time - discussing how in 1984 he was told by the 'suits' what constitutes a game, and what would - or wouldn't - appeal to the game-buying public, before the people who were at the forefront of sculpting this fledgling industry knew themselves what the definition of a game was.

I don't think there even was a definition at this stage. Today, game genres are largely set in stone. They fall into one camp or another, or occasionally they straddle two in a weak effort to at least appear to be doing something fresh and edgy. In the 80s, David et al were forging these now cliched pigeon-holes, winging it as they went to discover what worked and what didn't. I may have dreamed this, but I think the way Simon Butler put it in a podcast I listened to recently was, "They didn't so much think outside the box; there was no box. They built the box... and turned it into a giraffe". It's entirely possible I invented the last bit.

In Matthew Smith's extra footage interview, we discover how the bedroom-coding genius of Manic Miner fame charmed the humble Speccy 48k into dancing to tunes even Clive didn't know were in its repertoire. As a precocious 17 year old with no previous experience of game development, he set out coding on the obscure TRS 80 computer. The assembly code for Manic Miner was written on this and 'injected' intravenously into the Spectrum's bloodstream with nigh-on instantaneous effects, allowing him to quickly recover from crashes, and as anyone familiar with the Spectrum will know, these were far from rare occurrences.


At the time it wasn't possible to simply hook one machine up to the other to allow them to communicate. Nevertheless, rather than accept this hardware limitation and muddle through, coding on the ill-equipped Spectrum, he invented his own interface board and continued developing on his favoured machine.

Sadly, time and fame haven't been kind to Matthew. Under the pressure of his over-night notoriety, he seemingly came off the rails, somehow ending up living in a commune in Amsterdam in 1995 where he flew under the radar for several years before re-emerging in Britain looking extremely dishevelled following deportation for failing to "keep his residency papers in order".

Bedrooms to Billions doesn't delve into what happened during these 'wilderness years', and perhaps Matthew would be too private a person to divulge this, but I imagine the story would make for a fascinating follow-up.

Nothing defines retro-gaming quite like Jeff Minter with a sheep... well, perhaps Jeff Minter and a llama.

Other talented developers picked up the mantle and forged ahead creating ever more expansive virtual worlds with what little technology they had at their disposal. The limitations of the hardware, through necessity, taught programmers to be inventive. 'Impossible' was scratched from the dictionary as computers were hacked to achieve feats far beyond their original scope. Bugs were imaginatively exploited for artistic ends, while music composition was an exercise in tricking the hardware into producing one sequence of melodies or another. They weren't after-all off-the-peg instruments in themselves, but could be coaxed into something resembling one with the right talented individuals at the helm pulling their strings.

Computers geeks set a precedent by making it feasible for the average person to influence the characters on their TV screens as opposed to passively absorbing a movie for instance, and this was a colossal technological leap forwards for entertainment. It was their ability to engineer this unparalleled wizardry that elevated them - in playgrounds up and down the country - to pedestals shared only by the likes of rock stars.

Soon one person development teams morphed into small bands of coders, artists and musicians who set themselves up in pokey, phoneless offices, often above shops. Critical marketing calls were sometimes made from roadside telephone boxes as and when the traffic noise allowed. As Peter Molyneux recalls in the documentary, some of them weren't even furnished with the bare essentials necessary to make a place of work habitable. In the early days his team took it in turns to use the sink as a toilet because that's all there was!

While the structure and segmentation of these development teams was rapidly evolving, they remained in control of their artistic direction, and it was this autonomy that allowed their creative juices to flow, leading to the emergence of some of the most innovative and original games ever produced.

It certainly didn't go unnoticed - 'software houses' couldn't stuff envelopes with their wares fast enough to keep up with public demand. The money poured in and was often impulsively 'invested' in fast cars and even faster lifestyles. Developers worked hard and played hard with no real consideration towards balancing the books, and some met their untimely demise at the hands of the receivers as a result.

Companies burnt themselves out, as did individuals. Mark Healey - of Bullfrog and Lionhead fame - at one point was travelling the length and breath of the country coding as a freelancer and sleeping under desks to squeeze every last drop of productivity out of his days. In a decidedly surreal moment of his interview he reveals that the stress was causing him to produce *ahem*, albino toilet deposits shall we say? I wasn't quite sure I'd heard him correctly so Googled it, and true enough there's a logical biological explanation for it. Stress can inhibit the liver's ability to produce adequate levels of bile salts to be stored in the gallbladder and secreted into the intestines to aid digestion, and it is these salts that give faeces its more typical brown colour. You don't get this in The Guardian's movie review section do you? I aim to please.

When your pocket money is severely limited, yet the number of games available to fritter it away on aren't, how are you to make any sort of informed decision about what to buy and what to bury in a desert landfill? In the early days it was pot luck what you ended up with. All you had to go on was a brief synopsis littered with hyperbole and an artist's dramatic impression of the general theme of a game, and of course these were cobbled together by the developers themselves who wouldn't be the most impartial of critics.


The solution was to round up the kids who lived and breathed computer games, had played the majority of them and knew their Skool Daze from their ETs, and get them to review the new releases. Luckily they were a self-selecting bunch as they spent all their free time loitering in the game shops so weren't difficult to root out. The most vociferously opinionated individuals were offered jobs working for iconoclastic magazines such as Zzap!64 and Crash. These in particular developed a cult following because gamers appreciated their bold, unrestrained opinion pieces. Consumers could trust their reviews because they knew they were written by like-minded gamers of a similar age, and not odd-jobbing, middle-aged journalists who could just as easily be writing about garden hoses if it was lucrative enough. The most talented reviewers were revered much like those developing the games under scrutiny. They had the potential to make or break a game... and they knew it.

Some of my most cherished memories of those days are punctuated by the fervent acquisition of Crash cover tapes. Once these became a fixture for gaming magazines, I'd await their release with bated breath... probably not advisable for someone who suffered from chronic asthma. Live fast, croak young baby! The Spectrum was worth it! ;)


In those days a new demo really meant something. It was a window into another world for me; I didn't care that it constituted a fraction of the full game because I was unlikely to ever see the end in any case; I never was the most accomplished player. Without the internet, social media or YouTube to distract me, I wrung every last drop of entertainment out of these tasters before moving onto the next big thing. I can still picture the earlier neon-coloured covers featuring little more in the way of artwork than the names of the games contained within printed in block capitals. That's all it took to draw me to the honey pot. I knew what to expect because I'd read the previews several months prior to their official unveiling.

Above all else, this is what I mourn for when I look back on my distant childhood. That sense of things - and new experiences - being all-consuming, significant, inducing wide-eyed appreciation. Watching Bedrooms to Billions I'm transported right back to those formative years; it's a poignant commemoration of the wonder of youth, and also the boundless possibilities for human ingenuity.


With sales soaring exponentially, mail order without a dedicated logistics team was no longer going to cut it (the muster or mustard, take your pick). Selling software directly to the public at micro fairs plugged the gap for a brief period, though it wasn't until the likes of heavyweight retailers John Menzies (who were later eaten by WH Smith) and Boots saw an opportunity to piggyback on this trailblazing golden goose that the industry really stepped up a gear. Developers were able to get back to doing what they did best and the floodgates were opened to other corporate investors who wanted a piece of the pie.

Publishers offered to take care of the business end of operations and a much tighter reign was kept on the purse strings. With more at stake than ever before, management began imposing all kinds of stipulations upon the kind of releases that would be deemed marketable, and this inevitably stifled freedom and creativity. New releases from then on were much more likely to take the form of bankable, safe bets such as sequels or licensed games with a ready-made consumer awareness and distinctive brand.


When the Sega and Nintendo console juggernaut hit British shores, the situation would only get worse for the early bedroom-coding free-thinkers. If a publisher wanted to release a game for the Mega Drive or SNES platform for instance, they would be required to pay a hefty license fee and have the idea sanctioned by the gaming equivalent of the nanny state. This meant the death knell for many small developers who simply couldn't match the financial clout of the mainstream publishers so were swiftly elbowed out of these newly emerging markets; a state of affairs gaming journalist Julian Rignall refers to as the 'brain-drain'.


It's a slippery and depressingly short slope. Before we know it, the documentary thrusts us kicking and screaming into the epoch of the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One with its entourage of artists, musicians, coders and peripheral management and admin staff, cubicle-farm corporate offices and two year risk-averse development cycles. Fifa 17 meet Call of Duty 13.

This is my own real niggle with 'journey' documentaries of this sort. If you're a die-hard retro-gamer who staunchly believes the games industry today is a mere shadow of its former self, you'd really rather not reach the foregone conclusion, the climax of its destination. I lapped up the bedrooms from the edge of my seat, but would rather the billions didn't happen. Perhaps I'll edit it and release my own Benjamin Button-esque special edition DVD whereby we finish at square one and go out on a high!

I can't overestimate what Nicola and Anthony have achieved here. To take so many - what I'd imagine would be highly disjointed and rambling - interviews, and lovingly weave them together to form such a coherent, progressive narrative is a true testament to their dedication and affection for the subject matter. There's no narrator to bridge the themes, you don't see the interviewers or hear them; it's all about the geeks, and their unbridled odyssey through the computer-gaming landscape of yesteryear.

Is it possible to suffer PTSD through watching a DVD? As the closing credits of Bedrooms to Billions faded to black, it dawned on me that I'd just seen a documentary based on the metamorphosis of computer gaming over the last three decades that didn't mention that damn plumber from the Planet Bland, or Tonic the Sledgefrog (or whatever he's called), save for a few fleeting glimpses when the Mega Drive puts in an appearance. I can't stress enough how refreshing it is to witness the long-overdue recognition of the pivotal role played by UK games producers.

That said, as marvellous as Bedrooms to Billions is, there's a gargantuan, unavoidable vacuum running through its core; the distinct lack of coverage of 'The Amiga Years'. What's that, there's a sequel in the works? Whatcha gonna call that then?

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

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Charity shops, huh yeah, what are they good for?

Dog ornaments with broken ears and cheap, plastic One Direction clocks, that's what... which is the next best thing to "absolutely nothing, oh hoh, oh...absolutely nothing, say it again y'all".

Walk into most of the big name charity shops these days and all you'll find are the dregs of what has been donated. This is no accident or clandestine operation; what they're doing is filtering out anything vaguely interesting, or with a value and listing it on eBay instead. They state as much on the posters in their window, which refer you to their online presence. I suppose they're unique in that respect in that they helpfully inform you that you're wasting your time before you go in to browse the shelves.

Obviously it's in the best interests of charity shops to secure the highest price possible for each item, and the way to do that is by hawking it in front of a global - or at least national - audience, but why then even have a high-street outlet? They're absolutely pointless because they're just graveyards for the left-over tat that no-one would be prepared to pay postage to have delivered.

My tiny suburb of Manchester alone has ten of them, littering up the place and occupying the precious space an independent sole trader may otherwise have snapped up and used to offer a service or provide goods we're not already awash with. Part of the problem is that they don't pay business rates due to their charitable status so can easily afford to oust the competition, and the result is depressing, cloned high-streets featuring wall to wall charity shops, all flogging the same dross. Lots of them have now diversified into selling new tat which you can buy at any pound shop, just to fill the vacuum. They've effectively become drop-off points for eBay stock.

I hear there are some gems to be found outside of the big cities such as Manchester, London and Birmingham where the charity shops often don't have dedicated eBay listers/valuers, so everything goes on the shelves, and at a price well below what you could expect to pay on eBay. This is apparent from watching retro-gaming pickup videos on YouTube. Unless they're all staged as part of an elaborate, nationwide conspiracy to make me jealous.

Over the pond, nostalgia nerds are spoilt for choice judging by what I've seen in the Lazy Game Reviews 'thrifting' videos. In the US, charity shops are more like department stores where the sheer scale of the donations received make it impractical to catalogue it all for listing on eBay so you could stumble across almost anything that's legal and fit to sell.

True, you may still end up paying an eBay-equivalent price, though at least you don't have to faff around with shipping, waiting, or relying on other people to describe things accurately (which is another rant I could spin off into a post of its own if you're not careful). You can even test if electrical items work there and then using the mains outlets provided for this purpose. In any case, a big part of the fun is rummaging through to find the relics you remember fondly from your childhood, only now you can afford them without having to save up a year's worth of pocket money or relying on Santa Claus to bring you. It's the unadulterated randomness of it all that makes it special.

I think if I found a forty year old Apple computer - or even just a battered Mega Drive - out in the wild, my brain would spontaneously combust. I'd love to see the hypnotically-voiced Clint (the host of the LGR YouTube channel) do a UK thrifting special. I imagine his brain would turn to cinders much like mine, but for entirely the opposite reason.
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