Monday, July 21, 2014

'Monkids'

Monday, July 21, 2014 0
Did anyone catch 'My Child Is a Monkey' on channel 4 last night? It revolved around people who, for various reasons, choose to keep capuchin monkeys as 'life companions' and treat them like human babies; playing dress-up, teaching them to eat at the table and getting them to wear nappies (I'm not saying 'diapers', doh!).

Said reasons, I imagine, fall into one of the following categories:-

- Human babies grow up, whereas monkeys can be treated like babies throughout their 40 year lifespan, giving these abusers a purpose in life.

- Nut-jobs tend to have their kids taken into care by the state, while monkeys' well-being appears to be less closely monitored.

- Human babies reared by these people would grow up maladjusted and kill the parents in their sleep.

- You can't pull out human babies' teeth or neuter them to make them more placid and manageable without getting thrown in jail.

Who'd have guessed taking an animal that would naturally have a whole forest for a backyard and wedging it into a cage the size of a cupboard might cause behavioural problems and transform cute, fluffy monkey babies into delinquent hoodlums with a penchant for transplanting people's faces? I know, it's a shocking discovery.

What's also bad for them as it turns out is to feed them a human diet loaded with carbs because this can induce diabetes. This was helpfully pointed out to one monkey-mummy by a vet who advised that unless she switched her baby's diet to one composed mostly of fruit and veg, it wouldn't survive. So what does she do? Gives the monkey spaghetti for tea and sets off to church to ask god to save her child.

God wasn't available for comment at the time of filming, but I'm sure he'll do his best.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Just a man and his will to deprive

Friday, July 18, 2014 0
...you of 50 of your hard earned dollars, and your sanity if you're not careful. Not even Adriaaaaaaaaaan could save you from this dog's dinner of a game.

In an old Angry Video Game Nerd YouTube review/rant, James covers the Sega Master system boxing game, Rocky. When the left and right d-pad buttons fail to move the Italian Stallion left and right in the ring he consults the game's manual for some sagely advice. It 'elucidates' as follows:-

"To move your player around the ring does not really require any specific buttons for execution. It requires the right situation because your player will be prohibited from moving unless you satisfy these conditions.

If you're on the offense and attacking freely, your player will move according to the direction of your blows and can be guided to the left/right or forward/backward with your D-button.

If you are on the defense, your player will not move in the direction you want until you can guard yourself effectively (Button 1). And then, you must start dealing blows to be in control of your footwork as mentioned above."

I may be a tad late to the party given that James has just celebrated his ten year anniversary, but wow!, that's staggeringly shoddy even for a game of this vintage. I think - in programmer Engrish - that equates to, 'Everything happens randomly. Whatever you do isn't going to achieve much so you may as well mash the buttons as fast as you can and see what happens'.

It kind of reminds me a lot of the Amiga game Dragon's Lair where the game doesn't amount to much more than an interactive cartoon. At least that, however, had the saving grace of it all looking very pretty, and the animation was ground-breaking for the time.

I'm actually quite surprised the programmers responsible for this game's control method didn't encourage you to grit your teeth, squint up your eyes tightly, clasp your hands together and invoke the "Eye of the Tiger" to defeat your opponent. That would have been just as effective... and more fun!

Where we're going we don't need DeLoreans

CooperTom and his DeLoreanSitting on a deck chair in my parents’ garden at the weekend, a cat leisurely idled past with its snooty nose in the air, and it abruptly dawned on me that this is the same cat that has lived next door for the last twenty five years or so.

The same cat that beckoned me over to it when I was nine years old with its you-can’t-walk-by-without-stroking-me, butter-wouldn’t-melt, wouldn’t hurt-a-fly eyes… and then proceeded to lash out with its extended, razor-sharp claws when I succumbed.
 
Aside from no longer being a kitten and having somehow much wiser, knowing eyes, it hadn’t changed an iota; identical black and white stripes in the same proportions and patterns, and the same self-righteous demeanour.

Twenty five years of life experience flashed before me in that instant. In particular I couldn’t help dwelling on all the relatives, friends and pet dogs I’d lost in that time, and yet here was this bullet-proof furball still going about the crucial business of terrorising starlings and generally swaggering around like it owned the world.

Had I fallen into a worm hole and travelled back in time?, or was the moggy taking a giant leap for cat-kind into the future from my childhood? You could answer, “Shut the hell up you idiot. Cats live a long time, deal with it”, and many would, but I can’t shake the bizarre sensation of unreality and foreboding.

So that was my weekend. Perhaps the question I should be asking is, when did I become Karl Pilkington?

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Under the Influence

Tuesday, July 15, 2014 0
Many moons ago bad meant good and Sonic and Mario were at each other’s throats vying for supremacy in a rapidly evolving brave new world of gaming. One TV show lead the way in tracking the developments, gift-wrapping the information we craved in an energetic and entertaining magazine-style format and beaming it to our hulking CRT telly boxes.

Bad Influence magazine
The ill-fated Bad Influence magazine that only ran to two issues
Bad Influence, the early-nineties technology and gaming TV show presented by Violet Berlin and Andy Crane is available on YouTube in all its transferred-from-creaky-old-VHS-tape glory. The show featured a rapid-cut blend of news concerning the latest technology fads (and a handful of evolutionary developments that actually came to pass), games reviews conducted mostly by kids, and a tips and cheats segment woven into an awful PG-13 version of a Young Ones sketch.

The 'Datablast' at the end of each show was a notable inclusion for the first three series. This was a novel way of presenting reams of information to viewers in a thirty second burst. While it would whizz by far too fast to be read by the human eye, it could be accessed by recording the show and reviewing the pages at your leisure using the freeze frame button on your remote. I suppose they could just have had their own Teletext channel, but then that wouldn’t have made kids feel like they were tapping into surreptitious, leaked data, CIA style. More like your dad looking for a cheap holiday.

As patronising as it could be, when this and GamesMaster were all we had to choose from, school kids across the nation lapped it up and were bereft when each of its four series came to a close. Nevertheless that didn’t stop me fast-forwarding through Nam Rood's toe-curling broadcast-from-the-shed/basement vignette each week. If I missed a cheat for a game I owned, so be it; I could find the same information in the 'Datablast' at the end with a generous dollop of skim-reading and patience.

Nam Rood
Nam Rood complete with perma-scowl
Nam Rood is ‘door man’ spelt backwards in case you hadn’t spotted that; the idea was that he was broadcasting ‘back door’ cheats via a pirate TV station. The joke was as tenuous and irksome as his persona, which was something akin to a fusion of Vyvyan and Rick from The Young Ones. 

Finding himself in a differently contrived, sit-com-esque scenario each time, he would open his segment greeting viewers alternately as ‘scrotty’ or ‘slimy’ ‘furtlers and relay cheat codes by writing them on self-adhesive cue cards, which he would slap onto his forehead. He was essentially Jar Jar Binks long before he was a twinkle in George Lucas’s warped imagination.

Nam Rood’s character was canned at the end of the third series following market research revealing that female viewers didn’t like him. Two questions suddenly spring to mind; why wait until the show was three quarters of the way through its run to ask the question?, and who were the boys that did like him?

Patrick TitleyTo be fair to Andy Wear who played Nam Rood (he was a scripted caricature thank god!), it was producer, Patrick Titley, who devised the part and wrote Andy’s lines. Now he should be shot. Andy Wear went on to do theatre work and continues to act to this day (he now appears in Emmerdale) despite his career-crippling performances in Bad Influence. Try saying that about Jar Jar Binks, who was unceremoniously encased in carbonite and sunk to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean (probably). If Patrick isn’t “mesa sorry”, he bloody well should be.

Perhaps the best thing about Bad Influence is that it focused quite heavily (at least in the first series) on home computers like the Amiga, which as you know, I’m a tad fond of. Despite Commodore’s penetration in America, the Amiga was much more of a European phenomenon, and even here it was still considered a bit niche, languishing in the shadows of Sega’s Megadrive and Nintendo’s SNES. Although GamesMaster co-existed with (and outlived) Bad Influence, it definitely didn’t do justice to the home computers given its proclivity for sexier console gaming.

It’s difficult to see how Bad Influence wouldn’t have been a success. As Andy Crane put it in the inaugural episode, it's "the only place you'll be able to see moving screenshots of the very latest games. Check this out, Streets of Rage 2", as he opened the show before several dozen TVs wedged together to form a single cinema-sized screen known as a video wall. That was it in a nutshell; at the time all we had to base our opinions on were static pictures in magazines. There was no YouTube and the likes of GamesMaster and Bad Influence were the first (and pretty much last) shows of their ilk.

Andy Crane in The Broom Cupboard with Edd the Duck
Andy Crane, Edd the Duck and The Broom Cupboard...
...sounds like a CS Lewis spin-off!
Although Andy Crane wasn’t much of a gamer, he was an affable, and already established (see partnership with Edd the Duck), enthusiastic TV personality. Together with Violet Berlin, who provided the inside knowledge and geek-factor, they were a great team who genuinely seemed to like each other.

Z Wright (that’s his real name!) was a child actor drafted in to report on stateside tech advances, and like Andy, was more of a presenter than a field expert. As with the studio-based segments, his forays into tomorrow’s world played a lot like This Week In Robots or This Week In Virtual Reality, and more often than not, the predictions fell well wide of the mark. Twenty two years later and neither of these technologies feature very strongly in the lives of the average consumer. I did, however, enjoy his report on early modems and how the ‘information superhighway’ - as we referred to it back then - would transform the world… bang on the money that one, and a real trip down memory lane for me considering I was there when it was taking off.

It wasn’t just computer nerds who were attracted to the show. The producers did a fantastic job booking big-name celebrity guest appearances who would put products through their paces and endorse them, helping to widen the appeal of the show, and bolster its street cred. Amongst the most noteworthy were Take That, The Shaman, Craig McLachlan, some of the cast of Gladiators and Donna Air. Panning to the late Richard Whiteley playing the Countdown game, and Andy asking him if he was enjoying it without mentioning the fact that he hosts the TV show was a particularly surreal moment for me. He must have had less than ten seconds of screen time as though he was any other random member of the public. Pure genius!

Digitiser
Violet guest-writes for Teletext games magazine, Digitiser
Series four marked a drastic overhaul of the format. Violet moved overseas to take care of the ‘on location’ reporting, Z and Nam were dropped, and Sonya Saul became Andy’s new co-host. The new, grown-up feel was a welcome switch, but the chemistry between Sonya and Andy was never quite right, despite Sonya being an acclaimed presenter who cut her teeth on stints with MTV. She went on to act in several household-name TV shows, though is now working as a barrister.

The final episode of season four concluded with no reference to it being the last, or the return of a fifth series so possibly the cast and crew knew this was the show’s swan song, or the decision had yet to be made at that stage.

Watching four years’ worth of Bad Influence episodes like a box set junkie, it’s staggering to see how quickly technology evolved in that short space of time, perhaps more so than any computer gaming era before or since. Series one featured Amigas and Atari STs with a few deferential nods towards the Commodore 64 and Spectrum, which were just about hanging on by the skin of their teeth, though already looking decidedly creaky and arcane next to their 16bit successors.

By the second series the SNES and Megadrive had largely shunted the home computers aside, and remained prominent stalwarts throughout the lifespan of the show even when superseded by more advanced technology. Before you know it, the 32bit systems are hitting the market, though never really gain much of a foothold because the 64bit ones arrive hot on their heels. Blink again and the ‘super consoles’ such as the Sony Playstation 1 and Panasonic 3DO emerge sending gaming aficionados into a slathering frenzy.

Violet BerlinWhen the potential to have access to the internet at home or school became a reality, the Bad Influence web site was born and the Datablast laid to rest. Violet and Andy stopped encouraging people to write in to the show using those funny, archaic pen things; instead they referred to something called an email address, which consisted of a longwinded series of random numbers, an @ symbol and a server address. Online video as we know it today was still a pipedream, but static images strung together to give the impression of movement showed the way forward.

When Bad Influence and GamesMaster were consigned to the past, gaming on mainstream TV channels pretty much faded away with them, and the advent of the YouTube era means this is unlikely to change any time soon. What’s interesting is that as game production budgets have ballooned exponentially, investment in TV shows representing the industry has dwindled to the extent where some of the best content is now being produced by enthusiasts with an amateur video camera broadcasting from their bedrooms. There’s freely available HD-quality footage for every obscure, redundant and long forgotten system ever produced; we’ve never had it so good, and yet somehow we’ve lost something along the way.

I challenge you to journey back to this bygone epoch, watch just one episode and leave it at that. Let me know how you get on, and share your memories below.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Yodel, couriers from hell!

Friday, June 13, 2014 0
The courier business isn't the most complicated, high faluting of professions to be in. The way it works is, customers wrap up a parcel, slap an address on it, and the courier collects it from point A and drops it off at point B. I don't think you even need a PhD to qualify to be one these days. All of which is why my latest 'delivery' fiasco with Yodel is so staggering.

I made the arrangements through Parcels 2 Go and instructed the courier that as I would be out at the time of collection I'd appreciate it if they could take the parcel from my 'safe place' i.e. the cupboard in my porch. "No problem" they lied, and gave me the usual spiel about it being my funeral if anything should go awry.

The following day I find a card pushed through my letterbox to say, "we're sorry we were unable to collect your parcel today because you were out when we called". Really? What are the chances? Didn't we have that conversation less than 12 hours prior to the allotted pick up slot? In any case, the driver must have been standing inches away from the cupboard at the time, and unless I'm the first person to ever have arranged for a parcel to be collected while they are at work, you'd think it would have occurred to them to check the nine foot by three foot, hinged, handled monstrosity resembling an opening storage device next to them.

I got in touch with both Yodel and Parcels 2 Go to find out what was going on. Yodel totally ignored me, and Parcels 2 Go apologised and offered to re-arrange the collection for the following day. Another 24 hours go by and the parcel remains in my cupboard, though this time no-one bothered to show up to at least pretend to do their job competently, and Parcels 2 Go can't give me an explanation as to why Yodel can't get their heads around the whole pick-up-drop-off conundrum because they hadn't recorded any attempt - failed or otherwise - to collect my parcel!

I'm now told that another courier will be assigned the taxing challenge of collecting the parcel, but this won't take place for another three days because they don't do weekend collections.

In the meantime I'm having to apologise and re-apologise profusely to my eBay customer who only bought my goods on the proviso that I end the auction early and deliver immediately.

After this episode I'm beginning to look at Forrest Gump in a whole new light; next to this bunch of retards he looks like the love child of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein.



Update: Well Monday rolled around and the parcel spent another day in the cupboard. This time City Link paid me a visit and they didn't bother to collect it either. Apparently whether or not an unattended parcel is collected is entirely at the discretion of the driver... despite Parcels 2 Go telling me in writing that this wasn't a problem at all as long as I was prepared to take the risk. I've now cancelled the purchase and refunded the buyer, and seriously need to consider making an appointment with my doctor to get a prescription for blood pressure pills!!!
 
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