Monday, December 19, 2005

Moles in their midst

Monday, December 19, 2005

The PR entourage of the western world's political heavy-weights were sure they had their taskmasters' backs covered from all possible angles. They were wrong. While the spin-doctors were monitoring the brutally omnipotent paparazzi and pundits, a spy operating much closer to home had been surreptitiously recording and podcasting to the masses the nefarious schemes and mortifying goofs of the likes of Tony Blair, George Bush and their closest confreres.

'Whack My Bush' will take you on a white-knuckle journey replete with intrigue and revelations as heard through the ears of a particularly curious, wall-dwelling fly, of sorts. Reality TV... erm radio even, has never been so unsettling, depressing and yet ultimately gripping.

Thanks to this noble exercise in exposing the wickedness of our esteemed 'leaders' we learn that behind closed doors mild-mannered Tony swears like a trooper, has the words "hello sailor" tattooed above his wang and employs Jade Goody as his personal lifestyle coach. Equally sensational disclosures include the discovery that George is mentored by his more intelligent pet dog, Barney, and dreams of doing unmentionable things to gibbons after lubricating them with Vaseline.

Straight-laced Condi Rice, we learn, isn't quite the girl-scout she presents to the media; after spending a trying day on the phone apologising to foreign dignitaries on George's behalf she likes to unwind by smoking class A drugs.

The Governator and deputy prime-minister, John Prescott, do not emerge unscathed either. Arnie is shown to be a sexist Nazi pre-occupied with heavy artillery and stomping down doors for no apparently reason, while Fatty eats everything in sight and is a tad uncouth, just a tad mind. OK, so some 'leaks' are more controversial and shocking than others.

Mysteriously the podcast has yet to be censored by its unwitting stars. Some say this is because its producer can't be tracked down and 'disappeared', though other theories have also been hinted at. When pushed for an opinion, Bush giggled like a schoolgirl at the thought of a fictional president character coincidentally owning a dog called Barney, just like himself.

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