Thursday, March 27, 2014

I Will Follow You To Poundsaver's Bargain Bin

Thursday, March 27, 2014

I haven't usually got much time for the really pedantic movie nitpickers, and can readily suspend my disbelief to incorporate into celluloid fiction the credibility of zombies, aliens, the supernatural and even talking fish, but this is where I draw the line.

'I Will Follow You Into the Dark' is one of those movies peddled as a horror, though that in practice would be more likely to bore you into an early grave rather than curdle your blood. It stars Mischa Barton as Sophia who has recently lost her parents within the space of six months of one another, and as a result has become jaded and cynical, particularly where love and the existence of a greater purpose or afterlife are concerned.

One day she meets Adam (or his name could be Atom I suppose; you never can tell with these American movies) who helps her change all this and re-engage with the world. To cut a dull story short, she spends the night in his apartment, which just so happens to be haunted, and in the middle of the night Adam vanishes, presumably abducted by ghoulies of some sort.

Distraught, Sophia, to bolster the search party, drafts in Astrid (Adam's flat mate) and Sam (Sophia's flat mate), and he brings his girlfriend, Penny, along for the ride. Whilst fleeing from shadows and things that go thud in the night in Curtainland on the 21st floor (which has been cordoned off because it's a tad too infested with spooks waiting to move between worlds), Penny falls through rotten floorboards and is knocked unconscious.

Fear not wide-eyed viewers, Sam has a plan. He jumps through the gaping hole to gauge the damage, and quickly ascertains that the best course of action is to hoist his comatose girlfriend - who has likely endured spinal injuries - onto his shoulder and schlep her back through the splintered floorboards above. Clearly he was pulling a sickie when St. John Ambulance visited to offer first aid at work training.

He shouts up to Sophia and Astrid to throw down some drapes Rapunzel style and haul the two of them to safety. Sam grabs one end of it in one hand and clutches Penny with the other while the two beauty queen feather-weights heave on the other end. Don't worry, it'll all work out because Sam "has a good foot-hold". On what exactly, thin air? In the next scene, Sam - complete with probable-corpse - emerges from the cavity as casually as a traveller standing on an airport escalator twiddling his thumbs and humming, "Is This the Way to Amarillo?".

Before I had chance to pick up the shattered fragments of Make-Believe-Land, our ever-dependable hero, Sam, decides that after risking permanently paralysing his girlfriend he should leave her alone in a corridor while he gets help!

You'd imagine this train wreck couldn't get any clunkier. You'd be wrong.

Sophia has a brainwave; to save Adam she must temporarily kill herself. This she reasoned would allow her to connect with his spirit (he is assumed to be separated from his corporeal embodiment at this point), locate and revive him and then shake off the whole being dead thing herself with a spot of CPR. Luckily Sophia has watched Flatliners so knows that her brain can safely be starved of oxygen for three minutes, but if she's not resuscitated before precisely six minutes are up, she's a goner.

As trite as it sounds, sometimes there's just no better way of saying, "that's two hours of my life I'll never get back" than "that's two hours of my life I'll never get back".


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