Wednesday, May 12, 2004

The war on wallabies

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Every so often a human interest story emerges that seizes you by the throat and leaves you feeling stupefied and full of revulsion. One such story is the callous attack of a defenceless wallaby, which took place at Dudley Zoo in the West Midlands last week. Three youths aged between 8 and 11 gained entry to the animal's enclosure by scaling a 6 foot high fence and proceeded to kick the five month old, placid marsupial to death. When the fun and games were over, the lifeless, battered body was casually flung into a nearby pond.

Being the inquisitive type, I journeyed the extra mile to get the inside scoop. I spoke to one eye witness who claimed she saw the boys hastily plundering the valuable four leaf clovers, which grew in abundance within the wallaby's pen. This allegation was emphatically denounced by Mr E. Spin, the boy's attorney, who went on to claim that their intentions were entirely honourable. The boys are expected to plead not guilty on the grounds that their mission was to depose the despotic leader of the wallabies who they accuse of committing human rights atrocities against his oppressed minions. Police have since confirmed that the boys belong to the western democratic group, 'Good Guys Global Freedom Initiative'. GGGFI president, Mr Yeehaw Yankee-Doodle, defiantly insisted that these crusaders should be commended for doing the world a public service as the wallabies are dangerous, unpredictable creatures with a penchant for violent, unprovoked assaults. Nevertheless, a spokesperson from the Truth Defence League has suggested that the attack is likely to have been executed in retaliation of a prior incident involving the name-calling of Mr Yankee-Doodle's father.

A staunch supporter of the rebel group commented, "pre-emptive action was crucial in immobilizing the development of grass, herbs, leaves and fruit of mass destruction. It was a case of kill or be killed - no-one should be allowed to jeopardize the stability of the free world. These evildoers, who operate from deep within burrows, caves, holes, in bushes and in the dirt under trees, must be rooted out and obliterated at any cost, as must those who harbour them."

This week the GGGFI have incurred heavy criticism for their treatment of POWs detained in prisons belonging to the former dictator of Dudley Zoo. It has been alleged that wallabies, monkeys, parrots, pandas and zebras believed to be protagonists of the former despot's tyrannical rule are systematically being subjected to physical, psychological and sexual torture in an effort to 'soften them up' prior to interrogation. Innocent inhabitants of the zoo who haven't yet been accidentally slaughtered during the course of the military action are said to be in a state of 'shock and awe'. One extremely perturbed llama sobbed, "I thought the boys were here to end the torture and abuse. They told us that the western world respects civil liberties and human rights, but they're no better than the Evil Ones (TM) they've overthrown. This is utter, deplorable hypocrisy!".

In fear of reprisals, Mr Yanky-Doodle has apologised to the zoo and vowed to ascertain who is responsible for this vile behaviour. GGGFI Defence Chief, Mr Twasntme, under oath stated, "Under no circumstances were the boys instructed to engage in the mistreatment of prisoners. This is clearly a case of a few rogue individuals operating on their own initiative. These people will be hung, drawn and quartered allowing us to resume the wholly virtuous pursuit of freedom and peace for all". Kids, eh. Don't you just love 'em! *rolls eyes*

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