Teen reacts to the Amiga 500

I'm not quite sure how old he is actually. He looks like he's in his late teens - certainly too young to have experienced the Amiga when it was current anyway, and that's the point.

The title of Ryan Smith's YouTube, hardware tear-down video, 'Why not to buy an Amiga in 2016', should give you a clue as to his verdict. It's not even a question... with a question mark. Instead one of those statementy things. To be fair to the system, he's bought an "untested, sold-as-seen" bit of vintage tech, and the battered example that arrived hardly does it justice.

Illustration for the purpose of deceptive exaggeration only, this isn't the Amiga in question. Yes, I'm a dirty, rotten scoundrel and was probably a journalist (or politician) in another life.

We interrupt this transmission to inject a dollop of sagaciously cunning retro hardware-purchasing advice...

I find that eBay sellers who describe retro consoles and computers as "untested", tend to fall into one of several categories...

• They regularly sell this type of hardware, have thoroughly tested it and found it to be completely knackered, but don't want to admit it because it will inevitably slash the final sale price.

• They honestly don't know what state of functionality it's in because they haven't got the knowledge or equipment to put it through its paces.

• They know how to check the system, yet don't have the time or inclination to bother. Some people will genuinely be having a loft clear-out and just want to get shut of everything ASAP, or are selling gear on behalf of friends or family so the history of the items is vague. 

One way to help you decide if they're on the level is by checking their sales history, or taking a look at the other items they have on offer to establish whether they're a dealer or not.

...as you were...

Ryan is a network administrator from Sheffield, and while he's clued up about computers in general, he's quite misinformed about the limitations and expandability of the Amiga 500. Also, it's not clear what he'd like to do with it that aren't possible. How can you tell if a system needs upgrading at all if you've never even flicked its power button on before? An unpimped 500 with half a meg of RAM will play hundreds of classic games, and after all, that's the 'meat and potatoes' of this base model, to colloquialise the scenario.

Nevertheless, we all make stupid mistakes and he's clearly got the bug now as he went on to have another dabble with an Amiga 1200, with which he was evidently much more enamoured.

It's certainly refreshing to see someone wanting to learn about the Amiga who appreciates its charm, yet has no nostalgic bias towards the platform. That's rarer than hen's teeth embedded in rocking horse dung... under the light of a blue moon.

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The top 76 most expensive Amiga games sold on eBay

I scour millions of eBay listings to establish which Amiga games have the potential to bankrupt collectors.

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We just wanna make the world dance, forget about the price tag

How much should you expect to pay for vintage Commodore Amiga hardware shopping on eBay? I compile the stats and break it down by system model.

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Charity shops, huh yeah, what are they good for?

Dog ornaments with broken ears and cheap, plastic One Direction clocks, that's what... which is the next best thing to "absolutely nothing, oh hoh, oh...absolutely nothing, say it again y'all".

Walk into most of the big name charity shops these days and all you'll find are the dregs of what has been donated. This is no accident or clandestine operation; what they're doing is filtering out anything vaguely interesting, or with a value and listing it on eBay instead. They state as much on the posters in their window, which refer you to their online presence. I suppose they're unique in that respect in that they helpfully inform you that you're wasting your time before you go in to browse the shelves.

Obviously it's in the best interests of charity shops to secure the highest price possible for each item, and the way to do that is by hawking it in front of a global - or at least national - audience, but why then even have a high-street outlet? They're absolutely pointless because they're just graveyards for the left-over tat that no-one would be prepared to pay postage to have delivered.

My tiny suburb of Manchester alone has ten of them, littering up the place and occupying the precious space an independent sole trader may otherwise have snapped up and used to offer a service or provide goods we're not already awash with. Part of the problem is that they don't pay business rates due to their charitable status so can easily afford to oust the competition, and the result is depressing, cloned high-streets featuring wall to wall charity shops, all flogging the same dross. Lots of them have now diversified into selling new tat which you can buy at any pound shop, just to fill the vacuum. They've effectively become drop-off points for eBay stock.

I hear there are some gems to be found outside of the big cities such as Manchester, London and Birmingham where the charity shops often don't have dedicated eBay listers/valuers, so everything goes on the shelves, and at a price well below what you could expect to pay on eBay. This is apparent from watching retro-gaming pickup videos on YouTube. Unless they're all staged as part of an elaborate, nationwide conspiracy to make me jealous.

Over the pond, nostalgia nerds are spoilt for choice judging by what I've seen in the Lazy Game Reviews 'thrifting' videos. In the US, charity shops are more like department stores where the sheer scale of the donations received make it impractical to catalogue it all for listing on eBay so you could stumble across almost anything that's legal and fit to sell.

True, you may still end up paying an eBay-equivalent price, though at least you don't have to faff around with shipping, waiting, or relying on other people to describe things accurately (which is another rant I could spin off into a post of its own if you're not careful). You can even test if electrical items work there and then using the mains outlets provided for this purpose. In any case, a big part of the fun is rummaging through to find the relics you remember fondly from your childhood, only now you can afford them without having to save up a year's worth of pocket money or relying on Santa Claus to bring you. It's the unadulterated randomness of it all that makes it special.

I think if I found a forty year old Apple computer - or even just a battered Mega Drive - out in the wild, my brain would spontaneously combust. I'd love to see the hypnotically-voiced Clint (the host of the LGR YouTube channel) do a UK thrifting special. I imagine his brain would turn to cinders much like mine, but for entirely the opposite reason.

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Dyslexic eBayers bag the best bargains

Pudgy digited sellers are rife on eBay. They hammer out their listings' titles and descriptions faster than the speed of light and submit the resulting gibberish without proof reading it first. Unless you're as stupid as the sellers * you aren't going to find these auctions, and they will predictably end with no bids.

Fat Fingers has the solution; type in a smattering of keywords and the site will scour eBay for any auctions containing their mistyped variants. Because so few people will think of searching for 'praystayshon' (unless they're Chinese that is - oops, there I go again) when they're seeking a Sony Playstation, you may find you're the only bidder and win the auction for a rock-bottom price.
It really works. Only last week I managed to pick up a 'jundred lound bote' for a fiver!

* not that I want to equate stupidity with dyslexia you understand - some of the most brilliant thinkers throughout history were dyslexic. Phew, that ought to keep the baying PC mob from clawing at my throat.

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Too posh to push

In my home suburb of Manchester I'm used to seeing hair-brained, it'll-never-work enterprises spring from nowhere, only to vanish again as quickly as they arrived. People get fed up with kowtowing to their superiors and decide to become their own boss. Rather than research the market to find out what goods and services the local community really need, or at least really want, they set up shops that cater for the limited number of people who happen to share their own fascination with one niche hobby or another.

Unsurprisingly enough there aren't enough customers interested in, for example, solar-powered, Peruvian model aeroplanes of the 18th century to keep these businesses afloat. I assume that, after these dream-fulfilling forays into proprietorship fold, the misguided owners go crawling back to their ex-bosses to beg for forgiveness... and their old jobs back.

The latest addition to my high-street is one of these new-fangled eBay shops. I think this one may just outlast its predecessors, but sadly for all the wrong reasons.

When I say 'eBay shops' I'm referring to the likes of Auctioning 4 U, SellStuffEasy and iSold It; companies who either pick up or take delivery of items you wish to get shut of, list them on eBay and then pass the final sale fee onto you once sold... minus their exorbitant, money-for-old-rope, between 20 and 40 per cent cut of course.

I did a double-take when these shops first breached my cognisance. I mean, could eBay beeee any easier to use? ...which is I'm sure what Chandler Bing would have to say on the matter. Why are these shops even necessary? Who on earth uses them? You Google the tech (or otherwise) specs of your junk, copy and paste them into your advert and submit it. Wait for 7 days to pass, ship the goods to the winning buyer and you've made a decent return on stuff that was just littering up your home gathering dust.

Even if you go the extra mile to describe the condition of your items and post a picture, how difficult is that? How lazy can people get? eBay is such a colossal, world-wide brand I expect they employ people who's sole purpose it is to newbiefy the selling process to such an extent an ADHD-suffering, mentally retarded rhizopod could get to grips with it. They do a first-class job as far as I can tell - if you laid out all the pages which encompass the eBay help section it would stretch half way around the globe. These burnt-out eBay spoonfeeders must cry themselves to sleep at night knowing they're flogging a dead horse where some people are concerned, poor souls. Is it that the customers of these eBay shops give up before they've started, claiming it's all too complicated for them, without so much as reading the first sentence of an introductory how-to guide?

Money-making aside, I've always thought DIY eBaying was a worthwhile experience in itself. You lovingly sculpt your own listings, answer potential buyer's questions, watch the bids accumulate and finally wait to hear what the recipients of your unwanted items think of them. Your smelly old sock, purported to have belonged to Madonna back in the 80s, could sell for tuppence or thousands of pounds. The winning bidder could be over the moon to have been given the opportunity to get their grubby mitts on the one and only Atari 2600 games console prototype in existence. The uncertainty and interaction is all part of the fun, cultivating a positive 'reputation' page is a matter of pride.

I don't understand who these eBay shops are supposed to appeal to. Highly paid execs with mad, rush-rush-rush lives and little time on their hands don't need the cash so are unlikely to bother. Poverty-stricken types will clearly seek to maximise their income and therefore won't be inclined to throw away up to 40% of the final sale fee of their goods through paying a third party to do something they could do themselves in five minutes with minimal effort. So who does that leave? Poor, stupid, computer-illiterate people? If so, why don't they ring up their local newspaper and place a free ad instead?

It's no good; I can't stop my befuddled mind from wandering. At the moment it's straggling in the general direction of a vague recollection I have of a comedy sketch I saw many years ago. It was one of those *clears throat* 'social commentary vignettes' Hale and Pace had such a talent for scripting.
Somehow one of their many slobby caricatures manages to talk a sexy lady into going to bed with him. In the next scene he's shown hovering above her, while she lies prostrate in bed, held by some kind of makeshift hoist. Red-hot, passionate sex is on the cards, but oh no, it's all too much effort to thrust! What is one to do faced with such a trifling dilemma?

Why, have the hoist automatically raise and lower him onto his partner at a steady pace of course.

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