Tuesday, 24 November 2020

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The rise and demise of a classic adventure game anti-hero

Simon the Sorcerer parts 1 and 2 constitute a treasured double act amongst fans of traditional point and click adventure games. 'Upgrading' to the 3D realm for the long-awaited third entry in the series wasn't met with quite the same degree of approval. It was tantamount to wringing the neck of Adventure Soft's prized golden goose and flushing it down the toilet. Then events really took a turn for the worse... nosedived downhill and fell off a sheer-drop cliff face. Allow me to explain. 

Friday, 6 November 2020

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Why there's a stampeding rhino enemy in Ocean's Hudson Hawk Amiga/Atari ST platform game

Undoubtedly one of life's great unresolved mysteries... until now!

Stompy is present in the two 16-bit games, yet none of the five 8-bit interpretations for the home micros/consoles. FYI precisely zero rhinos feature in the 1991 movie starring Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello and Andie MacDowell. Gosh! How intriguing! Almost makes you want to delve into the article or watch the YouTube video version for a thorough explanation.

Monday, 12 October 2020

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Games for girls

Traditionally, video gaming was a hobby principally participated in by young boys, which from the viewpoint of capitalist-oriented publishers, left a vast portion of the potential market untapped. In 1984, Case Computer Simulations sought to remedy this by releasing a series of games aimed specifically at girls. To eliminate any shred of doubt, they coined it 'Games for Girls', in the process inciting the wrath of many gaming journalists regardless of their gender. Whether to be politically correct (even back then!) or because they were genuinely offended, many reviewers alleged it was supremely sexist to assume certain games would appeal to the fairer sex due to them being inherently wired differently. Possibly they even relished the self-perpetuating controversy.

It wasn't that the nature of the games in question was insulting, or stereotypically derogatory towards girls in any way. On the contrary, in fact, they emerged from the supposition that girls were less inclined to be motivated by violent tendencies, preferring to employ logical reasoning and negotiation techniques to solve problems rather than brute force bravado. All three titles (two action-adventure games and a show-jumping 'simulator') are driven by intelligence-based quizzes designed to engage the brain, one distinctively from a mathematical perspective. A field in which proficiency is typically associated with boys. Positive discrimination then if any at all; far from the insinuations you might have imagined given the backlash.

'Games for Girls' was intended to be an ongoing series, yet in light of its acrimonious reception, terminated at just three titles. All a bit silly seeing as the games were seemingly released with the best of intentions and selected for the brand rather than being designed from the ground up to compliment proposed interests and aptitudes of girls. Had they been unveiled minus such new-wave headlines, the mediocre games would likely have flown under the radar with little fanfare, before rapidly fading into obscurity. Cynics amongst could claim that the whole episode was a rouse to profit from games so dull they weren't worth the tapes they were recorded on. And who knows, they might be right? Certainly no-one is recording playthroughs of them for YouTube, and it's only myself talking about them. I haven't even offered to identify the titles yet: Hicksted, Diamond Quest and Jungle Adventure. There, fixed.

In the ensuing years, rarely has a publisher made similar inflammatory declarations regarding the envisioned audience of their wares, while today gender engagement more closely approximates equilibrium. Games for girls (without the capital letters) are produced, marketed and retailed now by default, often the epitome of sexism. Far more so than CCS were admonished for supposedly being back in the '80s. What has changed is that they're sold without the superfluous gender banner; no-one needs to be informed that Barbie the computer game, for instance, is aimed at prepubescent girls, it speaks for itself… and also, I'd imagine, features little in the way of educational value.

Without the labels, few sane people campaign against the existence of patently gender-biased computer games today, finally mirroring the general acceptance of toys that have targeted boys or girls for as long as they've existed. Had they too been outlawed, Argos and Toys R Us would have been strung up for segregating their departments or catalogues from day one. Making it all the more curious that computer games were scrutinised under an entirely different rubric, as though held responsible for being the gatekeepers of child-rearing morality.

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Teen reacts to the Amiga 500

I'm not quite sure how old he is actually. He looks like he's in his late teens - certainly too young to have experienced the Amiga when it was current anyway, and that's the point.

The title of Ryan Smith's YouTube, hardware tear-down video, 'Why not to buy an Amiga in 2016', should give you a clue as to his verdict. It's not even a question... with a question mark. Instead one of those statementy things. To be fair to the system, he's bought an "untested, sold-as-seen" bit of vintage tech, and the battered example that arrived hardly does it justice.

Illustration for the purpose of deceptive exaggeration only, this isn't the Amiga in question. Yes, I'm a dirty, rotten scoundrel and was probably a journalist (or politician) in another life.

We interrupt this transmission to inject a dollop of sagaciously cunning retro hardware-purchasing advice...

I find that eBay sellers who describe retro consoles and computers as "untested", tend to fall into one of several categories...

  • They regularly sell this type of hardware, have thoroughly tested it and found it to be completely knackered, but don't want to admit it because it will inevitably slash the final sale price.
  • They honestly don't know what state of functionality it's in because they haven't got the knowledge or equipment to put it through its paces.
  • They know how to check the system, yet don't have the time or inclination to bother. Some people will genuinely be having a loft clear-out and just want to get shut of everything ASAP, or are selling gear on behalf of friends or family so the history of the items is vague. 

One way to help you decide if they're on the level is by checking their sales history, or taking a look at the other items they have on offer to establish whether they're a dealer or not.

...as you were...

Ryan is a network administrator from Sheffield, and while he's clued up about computers in general, he's quite misinformed about the limitations and expandability of the Amiga 500. Also, it's not clear what he'd like to do with it that aren't possible. How can you tell if a system needs upgrading at all if you've never even flicked its power button on before? An unpimped 500 with half a meg of RAM will play hundreds of classic games, and after all, that's the 'meat and potatoes' of this base model, to colloquialise the scenario.

Nevertheless, we all make stupid mistakes and he's clearly got the bug now as he went on to have another dabble with an Amiga 1200, with which he was evidently much more enamoured.

It's certainly refreshing to see someone wanting to learn about the Amiga who appreciates its charm, yet has no nostalgic bias towards the platform. That's rarer than hen's teeth embedded in rocking horse dung... under the light of a blue moon.

Sunday, 11 October 2020

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Kid Reacts to Speedball II for the Amiga

Not an official 'Kids React' video, though probably the closest thing we're likely to see. 14-year-old Brae joins his uncle (at gunpoint by the looks of it) for a violent bout of futuristic, cyberpunk sports-brawling. Thumb-screws firmly in place and tightened, he even expresses some opinions on the game (ish).

Black box health warning: if you suffer from epilepsy or migraine, turn away now!

No doubt there are other attempts at Miggifying the KR concept out there, even if they haven't been specifically labelled as such. What have you stumbled across? Feel free to share them in the comments section below.

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Meet the official Turrican II joystick

Don't be surprised if you've never seen one of these before in the wild; they are extremely rare. Not eBay l@@k l@@k super-mega rare, I mean really-properly rare. They were bundled with copies of Turrican II for the Amiga and Commodore 64, only ever sold in Germany from what I can gather. "Double fun" guaranteed!

Regrettably, the joystick itself isn't actually an exclusive product made for the release. Rather, it's a Commodore-branded model CBM 1399, also known as the 'Challenger' in Germany according to the Amiga Joker magazine in which I saw it featured as part of a joystick review round-up article.

Made in Hong Kong, it boasts "high precision" and is fully micro-switched for durability, much like the Competition Pros and Zipsticks the majority of Amiga gamers favour.

I typed up the German review in Google Translate (and even included the umlauts and Eszett, which I believe equates to 'ss' in English). While mostly what it generated is gibberish, I can decipher a few keywords that make sense. It seems to be suggesting the joystick is challenging by nature as well as by name since it's a real workout for the nerves, shaft motion is loose and inaccurate. It has measly (?) fire buttons and squeegees (I think it means suction cups) and an auto-fire switch.

Germans, feel free to correct me.

The ordinary Commodore-branded version isn't an uncommon sight on eBay. At the time of writing, there are three listed, all located in Italy, hiked up to 'buy it now' prices ranging from £15.43 to £38.69.

Typically, unpopular 9-pin joysticks sell for less than a fiver, to put things in perspective.

On your marks... get set... eBay!

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HUDson Baulk

Writing my bottom 10 list of games featuring criminally gargantuan HUDs, I Googled the heck out of the topic and found naff all. My problem was not knowing the keywords people might use to describe all those ridiculous, screen real estate hijacking gizmos and wotsits. Had I guessed that 'status panels' might be among them, I would have stumbled across this post over on the English Amiga Board and my task would have been a whole lot easier.

Collectively, the wily EABers (EABtonians?) laid this one to rest years ago and unearthed some even more extreme examples than I did, if you can believe that! They even went so far as to calculate the exact measurements in pixels of the area occupied by the dwarfed playfields, allowing them to definitively and scientifically state which games 'take the biscuit' and should be buried at sea, never to be spoken of again. If only I'd thought of that; they put my geek credentials in the shade. If Blogger included the 'I'm not worthy, sink to the knees and worship' smiley, you can be sure it would be inserted here.

After much foraging and boffinesque analysis on their part, the top (or bottom) three are as follows...

3. Gunboat (272x68) - 2. First Person Pinball (152x95) - 1. Skarbnik (144x100)

Special thanks go to 'discomeat' for the adjudication and calculations. It's a shame his spreadsheet has since been lost in 404land.

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Block rockin' beats

Copywriters and marketing gurus are hired because they know precisely how to deliver that killer, witty one-line zinger. The kind that grab you by the jugular, mercilessly manipulating you into parting with your hard-earned cash or signing your life away.

So what went wrong here? (see C&VG issue 152, July 1994, page 63)

You beat your brother.

You beat your brother's friends.

You beat your cousins.

And their friends.

You beat that one guy, Steve, who said he couldn't be beat. (sic - beaten surely?)

And you beat them all bad.

Are you ready to beat the world?

Possibly you were and did because it's looking a bit worse for wear these days. A probing question posed by an advert for the 'Blockbuster World Game Championship' circa 1994, should you be confused. And why wouldn't you be?

If you've ever contemplated getting into the PR field yourself, this should give you hope that anything is possible.

And anyway, who's "that one guy, Steve", and what makes kicking his derriere the benchmark for gaming prowess?

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1080p composite images of entire Amiga game levels

Over at Deviant Art TheGouldFish has been busily creating stunning HD maps of some of the most popular Amiga game classics.

They're constructed by snagging the backdrops using the map ripping tool, Maptapper, and stitching them together with multiple in-game screenshots of the enemies and animated segments to populate the landscapes.

Wow, what an arduous task that must have been! I'm glad he took the trouble though - the results are beautiful!

Tuesday, 6 October 2020

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Is game sales chart data worthless?

Having compiled a multi-format game sales chart database comprising over 10,000 entries I couldn't help noticing a few anomalies. For instance, games appearing in the top-selling lists that were never actually finished or published for the designated system. Judging by the reader's letter and editor's response below as printed in Zero magazine in the '90s, the reason could be that the data is entirely fabricated based on educated guesswork.

Zero's Virgins

Investigative journo paragraph: in your October 1990 issue (in the shops September 1990) Zero reviewed Wonderland, quoting a release date of October 1990. In the December issue, in the shops in November, what game had rocketed into the charts at number 2? You guessed it - Wonderland. It's funny though because Wonderland wasn't even available in the Virgin Megastore shop until well into December. It's even more peculiar when you bear in mind that the chart would have had to get to you well in advance of the publication date presumably sometime towards the end of October. It becomes worrying when you remember that Virgin produce both the game and the chart. Nothing like a free bit of plugging, is there? Even if the game isn't in existence at the time.

Consumer's Complaint paragraph: 4-D Boxing was given a release date of November - it's still not in the shops. Escape From The Planet Of The Robot Monsters was due out on the PC last May according to Domark. There's no sign of it ten months later - where is it? Why don't software companies give realistic release dates?

Joseph Coulson, Hither Green, London.

Journalistic cliche paragraph: information correct at the time of going to press. Companies tell us their release plans but these can be changed for a number of reasons (see Brian's letter for anexample).

As you point out, we receive our chart well in advance of publication date. Consequently, if we printed a sales chart it'd be well out of date by the time the mag was on sale. Therefore Virgin Megastore compile a Shipping Chart for us which measures the orders the shop is placing based on past and anticipated sales. Ed.

I spent a while plugging search terms for games known to be unfinished into my database to see if I could uncover any suspicious entries. Putty Squad for the Amiga would have to be the most glaringly dodgy example; in the January 1995 issue of Amiga Power it can be spotted in the CD32 chart at number 3. This was released for the SNES in 1994, yet not for any of the Amiga systems until late 2013 thanks to Galahad's dedicated collaboration with System 3.

Elsewhere, you might like to examine entry number 3 in the Mega Drive chart published by Computer & Video Games in June 1991. First-person shoot 'em up, Monster Hunter - intended to be one of the first Mega Drive games to employ SEGA's Menacer light gun - was originally expected to be available in time for Christmas 1993, however, failed to materialise.

Being listed in a best-selling games chart over two years earlier, possibly long before the design was even conceived, seems implausible so I suspect someone had their wires crossed. But how? Which game were Gallup referring to? English Amiga Board member, LongLifeA1200, suggested Japanese import "Mamono (Demon/Monster) Hunter" when I raised the issue there, reasoning that another import, Gynoug, features at number two.

Shifting down a gear to the Commodore 64, Nigel Mansell's Grand Prix was never released for the trusty beige bread bin, yet somehow it appears in the chart at number 20 in the January 1990 issue of C&VG and again at number 15 the following month. They even offer a review score of 71%, further confounding the disjointed discombobulation.

None of the versions that were released scored 71% so that's not the explanation. So what is? Gallup guessed the position at which the game would appear in the charts while C&VG predicted what score they'd award assuming the game was at some point finished?
Anything's possible given the number of errors evident in charts printed by C&VG. Missing platform citations (entire charts left unlabelled, sometimes three in a single issue making process of elimination impractical), duplicate entries in the same top 10, vague titles that could refer to multiple different games e.g. just 'Batman' and so on. It's difficult to determine how many of these problems emanated from Gallup's data collection and reporting techniques, or alternatively, which C&VG were responsible for.

What's crystal clear is that the charts aren't to be trusted unequivocally and my entire database should be scrutinized with a large sackful of salt. And yet those not provided by retailers themselves (Virgin, Woolworths, HMV etc.) are the only independent measure we have available with which to judge the commercial success of game releases.

Have you spotted any entries that set alarm bells ringing and deserve to be glared at with squinty-eyed scepticism? Feel free to share them below.

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Don't read this

Something that's always baffled me is why people deliberately seek out movie, game or whatever spoilers and then blame the person responsible for the inevitable spoiling having revealed key details of the plot or solution. An all too common occurrence sadly, yet the letter below written to Zero magazine is in another league. I've never known someone to completely wash their hands of a product in protest at having ruined the experience for themselves. Biscuit taken. No crumbs.

Angry from Wiltshire

As a reader of your magazine since the first issue, it's hard for me to believe that Zero could do such a mean and irresponsible thing. I refer, of course, to Crystal Tips in the March issue. Long before Horrorsoft went under I ordered a copy of Elvira, so imagine my surprise to find a complete solution published over a week before the game was eventually released on the ST. My order has now been cancelled and, according to my dealer, so have a lot of others. Everyone makes a big issue out of pirated games, but this sort of thing does nothing to deter it and helps software houses to lose money, when a lot of people like myself would have bought it. I'm in favour of hints and tips after a game has been around for a while, but feel this was a bit over the top. Accolade has been informed of my views and I look forward to hearing what they think about this.

D. Clifford, Swindon, Wiltshire.

Honestly, some people. As I've said a million times before... "You don't have to look, do you?" Have you no willpower? When you were five and something scary happened on Doctor Who, did you sit there and take it all in? No, of course you didn't, you hid behind the sofa and came out when it was finished! So do the same with cheats - pretend they're not there. And if you really don't think you can stop yourself peeking, you can always rip out the offending pages and burn them. (And then send in for a back issue once you do get stuck). Ed.

Zero issue 20 (June 1991)

D. Clifford is the sole reason we have to endure so many pointless spoiler warnings prior to engaging with written, audio or video presentations of games, TV shows, novels, plays, movies and so on. It's also your fault plenty of people attempt to review media without touching upon any spoilers at all for fear of offending some delicate flower who can't grasp the concept of ex post facto analysis. Surely a review without spoilers is a trailer? We already have a word for that and it's not review, it's trailer.

And what's piracy got to do with publishing gaming hints and tips? Elvira is less worthy of a genuine, real-money purchase because a guide for it exists? May as well get the dodgy copy then and save a few quid. Horrorsoft brought it on themselves after all by not casting a hex upon Zero to prevent them from discussing the game outside of their review.

If you sneaked a peek at this post prior to thoroughly digesting your June 1991 copy of Zero and it's diminished your enjoyment of said publication in any way, I'm not remotely sorry. You were forewarned. Ah, oh, umm…

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I'm afraid of no toast

If you don't currently suffer from any irrational fears, you may well develop some new entirely logical ones after playing Tony Crowther's Phobia, a uniquely stylised, claustrophobic headmasher of a shmup that will pilfer your precious sleep and haunt your waking dreams. Psychotherapy not included!

download ebook in epub format

Monday, 5 October 2020

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Every Slimer has his day

Of course you've always wanted to be a vile, mucous-dribbling slug entrusted with rearing a brood of mini-mes. Crawl the walls, trap grubs in bubbles and feed them to your clan to keep them nourished, exuding a basking glow of green-blooded vitality. You win, you've got the job, congratulations. I've already switched your name to Steg the Slug and informed the social security office.

download ebook in epub format

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There's no going back

If you're a firm believer in the old axiom of pooch as man's best friend and all copies of Sleepwalker, Fire and Ice and Scooby and Scrappy-Doo are completely sold out with no hope of a second dispatch, Doofus may well be the Amiga platform game for you. Protagonist Tim's pet - the eponymous Doofus - is utterly useless and the game, in general, doesn't fare much better. It's bland, uneventful, unoriginal and virtually plotless. Still, erm... check out my fantastic review! It'll make you look at half-decent platformers with a fresh, reinvigorated appreciation.

download ebook in epub format

Sunday, 4 October 2020

Transformers - Amiga games in disguise

Meet Thexder, a jet-fighter-mecha-morphing robot from the land of the rising sun, available for every known platform under it. It's one of the earliest run 'n' gun platformers, hence the primitive graphics and sound. Look beyond this and a deviously clever, rapid-fire action experience awaits. One that inspired many better-known, much-revered examples from the genre such as Turrican, Metal Slug and Contra.

download ebook in epub format

Saturday, 3 October 2020

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Remember the time when Saddam Hussein wrote in to Amiga Action magazine seeking flight sim advice?

Madman

I am having some trouble with the 68000-based F-18A laser targeting and bomb guidance system currently being used in the Persian Gulf. As I know you are all incredibly computer-knowledgeable on Amiga Action, I have decided to write to you for help. Peace.

S. Hussein, Baghdad

What you need to do is gain control of your airspace again and use a phased-array wide spectrum laser jammer as a backup defence. You'll be able to find one at the March 19th Arms Fair in Syria, stall 13, for approximately £150,000,000. Alternatively, use a mirror.

Saddam writes…

Thanks for the advice on the Wide Spectrum Laser Jammer you recommended I buy in the last issue. The ruddy thing didn't work, did it, and the insurance won't cover it. I won't be reading your magazine again.

S. Hussein, Peking.

Sorry about that. I've been in touch with our contact in Damascus and he's promised a full refund. Trouble is, he's having difficulty in contacting you. Ah well…

Well, I thought it was worth revisiting. I wonder what happened to Mr Hussein. He was all over the press at one time, then all of a sudden, nothing. Very odd.

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PD: public domain or pure drivel?

Back in the '90s we had legitimately free software as we do now, only it was known as 'public domain' because the authors permitted modification and distribution of their work as long as it was carried out on a not-for-profit basis. As there was a tendency for PD software to emerge from the brains and bedrooms of single, amateur coders, diplomatically speaking, it was assumed by many to be inferior to retail software. Others - who often couldn't afford the latter - considered it a computing lifeline. A virtuous and legal way to obtain free games and utilities. Analogously, this debate played out in the letters pages of computer magazines. Amiga Action for instance…

PD or not to be

I have always read your letters page with great interest and your replies are usually very honest, bringing up important issues. However, a letter I read recently disgusted me. How on Earth could you say that all PD games are crap? You obviously haven't played stuff like Drip, Quick and Silver, Zeus and Obliteration. Those and many others are a lot better than many full price titles. Besides, I cannot afford to spend £25 or even £8 every time I want a new game. Without PD games I would be driven to piracy and that's the last thing I want.

Johann Hari, Edgware

I certainly don't recall such comments and neither does anybody else. We may have put down a few individual titles, but our opinion on many PD games is just as high as that of anyone else. In fact, if the demand is big enough, we hope to put a few more PD titles on our coverdisks in the coming months. Your thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Amiga Action (August 1992)

Hmm, not in so many words perhaps, but you sort of did deride the entire creative genre in a response to another reader's letter on the same subject.

Get on your bike

Being on the dole, I find it hard to keep up with increasing game prices. Therefore. I've often relied on Public Domain Software. I used to consult your PD guide, but it's now disappeared. Do you intend to bring back this feature or should I look elsewhere for such reviews?

Alan Stevens, Birkenhead

The quality of PD isn't very high, so we've decided to concentrate on budget titles instead: an area of the market which is expanding rapidly. We will, however, be covering PD software from time to time.

Send your letters to: Peter Lee, Talkback, Amiga Action, Europress Interactive Ltd., Europa House, Adlington Park, Adlington, Macclesfield, SK10 4NP.

Amiga Action (May 1992)

As with most polemic stances, the truth tends to lie somewhere in the middle. PD software is awful, mediocre, good or fantastic dependant on the particular specimen under scrutiny and the authors involved. This applies equally to retail software, except - given the price tag - it carries a harsher sting in the tail should you find that it's not fit for purpose.

What's your opinion? Did PD software deserve its coverage in mainstream computer magazines? Which titles posed a threat to the major high street name publishers?

Friday, 2 October 2020

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Walking alone? Never!

I can't decide if G Bucknell should be awarded the Amiga Action letter-writing Muppet of the year award, or if he/she had ingeniously managed to hudwink the recipient into believing they're completely backwards just for a lark. Either way, I had to share this tasty morsel of nostalgic nonsense from the long lost world of dead tree publishing.

Liver-fool

I am writing to complain about last month's Liverpool coverdisk which I found desperately disappointing. The computer opposition were terrible and I beat them on every occasion I played the game. After playing this demo for a couple of hours, I cannot see myself purchasing the finished product.

G Buckell, Harley

You complete and utter fool. If you'd taken the time to read our informative coverdisk pages, you might have discovered that the Liverpool demo is for two players only. You've been playing absolutely nobody so no wonder you kept winning.

Amiga Action (August 1992)

Although Amiga Action rated Liverpool the most favourably of the UK-based magazines (45 - 81%), it's far from the most accomplished football simulator for the Amiga, so the writer would have been wise to invest in something else. Such as the legendary Sensible Soccer or one of the Kick Off series.

According to Grandslam's Paul Chamberlain, Liverpool "is the first game of the type where you can properly do an overhead bicycle-kick volley" (Amiga Power, June 92, page 62). So, that's a jolly cool claim to fame if accurate. If not, blame him, not me.

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Big Bang games development

Reading through the letters pages of C&VG I stumbled across an interesting perspective on the development of video games as expounded by an unashamed pirate attempting to justify the money-saving rouse.

Thomas compares the cost of a pirated disk to that of a legitimate retail package and questions why the gap should be so wide given that the only difference is a properly printed disk, cardboard box and a manual.

I expect he's basing his financial analysis on the lesser-known spontaneous game generation model of publishing whereby with a click of the greedy fat-cat company's claws, immaculately finessed, complete games miraculously appear in their grubby paws, ready to be stuffed in an oversized box and shipped off to WH Smiths for sale at an inflated premium.

Thomas either purchased his economics degree from one of those online certificate-forging outfits, or he was ten years old at the time and still believed in magic. Although, not if he's the same Thomas Sharkey of Glasgow who was murdered along with his son and daughter in an arson attack in 2011, aged 55. There's a cheery take-away epigram to set you up for the day. My pleasure.

Piracy revisited

Dear YOB,

If people who sell pirate games are criminals then what are the people who make and sell originals? They sell a disk in a big box full of useless pictures and stuff and charge twenty-five pounds for it. Tell me how much it would cost for an original to be made. My guess is about 3. That's a profit of around 22. If this isn't criminal, what is? If you buy a pirate game and don't like it, you have only wasted a few pounds. Whereas if you buy the original and don't like it, you have wasted over twenty quid. I think a lot more original games would be sold if the totally idiotic price tag was cut. I don't see why a disk should cost nearly double the price of a tape and I don't see why they expect people to buy originals instead of paying an eighth of the price and getting a pirate.

Thomas Sharkey, Glasgow

YOB: I've had to listen to some pea-brained numb-skulls in my time, but this takes the chocolate Hob-Nobs. Answer me this simple question, poo-for-sense: if everybody bought pirate games and no-one bought originals, who would make the originals that are being pirated? I'll tell you who - no-one. So there'd be no games at all. And that's why your argument is dead before it even comes to life.

Computer and Video Games (issue 114, May 1991)

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The all-time greatest Amiga Power reader's letters ever!

My friends agree with me

Dear AP

I have been reading your magazines since they first came out. But I would like to share a few ideas. I have noticed in some other magazines they have had a page with drawings of say Soinc (sic) punching Mairo (sic) in the face. I find this quite funny and good fun to read and my friends agree with me so could you please think about it.

Yours sincerely, Tim Wood, Uckfield

Consider it thought about

I remember such fan art pictures doing the rounds in the early '90s, though reading Amiga magazines you'd be more likely to see Zool abusing Sonic or Gomez taking a swipe at Mario. That said, I'd much rather witness Mario and Sonic synchronise magic bullet volleys, assassinating one another simultaneously so we never have to endure either of the overhyped pixel-pestering stooges ever again. If there's a compassionate god up there, surely it would have happened by now? Even today the interwebs are full of illustrated sparring matches between the irksome mascots, so apparently, the sentiment has never faded.

▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ ▇ █ █ ▇ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂

Elsewhere in the 'And another thing' column...

I own one of every issue of AP and two copies of issue eight. As a reward for my loyalty, can you print the letter 'D' on the spine of the next issue so I can spell 'MIAOW I AM A GRAPE GOD' on my bookshelf?

Yours sincerely, Ben Twitchen, Southend-On-Sea

We'll think about it.

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable request to me. It not being granted must have been an oversight.

Thursday, 1 October 2020

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The collected works of moi

For reasons that now escape me, I once believed it would be a sensible idea to create humongous PDF compilations of all my articles, complete with 637 gazillion pictures. The largest of these megabooks filled several thousand pages, occupying well over a gigabyte of data. Problem is, they were totally layout-locked rather than reflowable as is the modern way, so absolutely painful to read on mobile devices, aside from being a nightmare to update and recompile.

I spent so long designing covers and writing the foreword introductions for these unwieldy doorstops, I thought it would be a shame to bin the 'wrappers' sandwiching them now I've individually split out all the contents into more flexible epub format ebooks. I hereby present a mini-loaf of bread slices minus the meat filling. Perfect for those of you who salivate over the prospect of carb-heavy trailers without watching the full bake-off. You could say it's a few sarnies short of a picnic. You could even descend further into inane gibberish by quoting Yogi bear, only this is wibbly enough and needs to end. Here. Now.

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Remember when reading magazines made time-travellers of us all?

Why were Amiga magazine publishers (and magazine publishers in general) incapable of printing the current/correct publication date on their issues? I explore the contentious controversy with a bit of help from a bemused former Amiga Action reader.

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Wednesday, 30 September 2020

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Kid Gloves killed the video game star?

Had gaming magazines throughout the nineties continued to publish full commercial software releases via their covermounted floppy disks, would the phenomenon have had a detrimental impact on the industry? I join Amiga Power and ELSPA spokesman, Roger Bennett, in deliberating over the pros and cons of the notoriously polemic argument.

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Tuesday, 29 September 2020

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CarVup? What's the connection?

Exploring the origins of CarVup's mysterious title. Core Design's cutesy vehicular-based platformer published for the Atari ST and Amiga in 1990, that is. What do you mean you don't care? You're the reason this remains an X-File... of sorts.

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Thursday, 17 September 2020

Saturday, 12 September 2020

Why did Bananaman never star in his own video game?

I examine the mysterious case of Bananaman's video-gaming no-show, along the way consulting insiders who we would expect to have more than an inkling into the matter. Will studying the character's development and legacy offer any further clues? Finally, I postulate what a potential, licensed tie-in Bananaman game might entail. Would it fly with DC Thomson or is it just yellow, moon-shaped fruit?

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Quiet computing, a reality?

As computer technology forges ahead in proficiency, one casualty could well be your peace of mind. Pacier components require more robust cooling techniques and this can lead to a surge in noise nuisance. Not that it's inevitable mind you; choose the right kit to begin with/replace the worst noise pollution offenders in your system, then acquaint it with the right temperature management software and it's entirely feasible to regain the serenity you vaguely remember from your fanless/passive all-in-one Amiga days.

Friday, 11 September 2020

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Backing up your Windows system - a (Norton) Ghost story

How would you like to be able to experiment with/completely destroy your Windows system with carefree abandon, safe in the knowledge that it can be effortless restored to its former pristine glory in a matter of minutes should disaster strike? Allow me to explain the hard drive partition imaging/restoration process... with a bit of help from Patrick, Demi and Whoopi.

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Thursday, 10 September 2020

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Forum construction by numbers

If you've ever wondered how to install and administrate your own community web forum/bulletin board, this is the how-to guide for you. It covers the advantages and drawbacks of the various DIY and managed solutions available, how much they cost, where to host them, and how to perform essential maintenance tasks such as exporting backups.

Wednesday, 9 September 2020

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A pre-Windows 7 guide to running classic DOS games on 'modern' hardware

This guide was originally written in 2005 so it's almost a retro 'how to' emulate retro games article. All jolly meta!

It covers the basic tenets of coercing ancient DOS games into cooperating with what were then contemporary operating systems. Typical problems you may encounter, potential solutions, plus software recommendations are all touched upon.

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Tuesday, 8 September 2020

Friday, 4 September 2020

Thursday, 3 September 2020

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The newbie's guide to emulating the classic Amiga

I explore the trials and tribulations of running Amiga games on modern hardware via the two most popular emulators for Commodore’s 16 and 32-bit systems; FS-UAE and WinUAE. I cover how to implement the Kickstart firmware, where to find ROMs and games, and the way in which the various models should be configured for optimal success.

Bookending my tutorial is the story of how I came to own my first Amiga, followed by a waffle-packed rant on the depressing state of current mainstream gaming and the dreaded monopolies steering it.

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Monday, 31 August 2020

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Meet the JoystickMaster

I quiz Richard Sekula, former sales manager at Spectravideo, concerning his involvement in devising the monumental golden GamesMaster joystick. An iconic trophy that would be used to reward celebrity (and lowly commoner) contestants for winning challenges throughout seven series of the massively popular Channel 4 TV show back in the '90s.

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Sunday, 30 August 2020

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GamesMaster, all of it, quite literally

From Butlins redcoat to island castaway, I chart the rise and demise of TVs' most successful video gaming entertainment show ever produced. Dominic Diamond's notoriously risque quips and dour delivery as memorable as the celebrity challenges, GamesMaster has gone down in history as an inexplicable anomaly never to be repeated.

Seven whole series worth of reviews, contests, golden joysticks, editorial features, and unforgettable controversy, I cover it all. Now with beautifully restored HD captures courtesy of Cyberpunk Studios.

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Saturday, 29 August 2020

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Under the influence

Bad Influence was the family-friendly, less-edgy, often educational alternative to GamesMaster, running parallel with Dominik's show between 1992 and 1996 on CITV. Hosted by Violet Berlin and Andy Crane, it covered similar gaming ground, though also expanded its scope to embrace general technological developments with a focus on how they were being used creatively at the time and would be in Tomorrow's World.

To commemorate the momentous impact it left on my childhood, I take a retrospective delve back into the highs and lows of the massively popular, memorable series.

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Sunday, 23 August 2020

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Oceans apart

Living in Manchester I pass by the former headquarters of Ocean Software all the time. An unforgivable missed opportunity then not to drop into the Quaker friends' meeting house for an impromptu unguided tour and photo-snooping session.

Walking amongst the dead, risking life, limb and incarceration, I tread the illustrious path of the game-developing superstar-heroes who gifted us so many unforgettable 8 and 16-bit classic titles.

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Friday, 21 August 2020

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The Retrogaming Sales Chart Database is ready to rumble!

When I wasn't looking, my Amiga Game Sales Chart Database contracted The Virus and evolved. Meet the Retrogaming Sales Chart Database! Or RGSCDB for those of you who appreciate snazzy, unmemorable acronyms! As I imagine you've already gathered, it now features sales ranking data from multiple old-school computer and console systems rather than just the Amiga. These include, in alphabetical order, the...

Acorn Electron, Amiga, Amstrad, Apple Mac, arcade, Atari, Atari Jaguar, Atari Lynx, Atari ST, BBC Micro, Commodore 64, Commodore C16, Dragon 32, NES, Nintendo Game Boy, Oric, Panasonic 3DO, PC, PC Engine, Philips CD-i, SEGA Game Gear, SEGA Master System, SEGA Mega Drive, SEGA Mega-CD, SEGA Saturn, Sharp, SNES, Sony PlayStation, Vic 20 and ZX Spectrum.

All data combined (sourced mostly from Gallup, Woolworths and HMV sales statistics) covers the period from May 1984 to July 1996, though I'll likely expand its scope at some point in the future as (if?) my sanity returns to pay me a visit. As it stands, the database contains a total of 10,655 entries, over half of which link to original magazine scans.

It would be much appreciated if you could experiment with the new, expanded collection and report any errors so they can be fixed ASAP. Also, feel free to point me in the direction of any other data you would like to see included, or better still, provide it yourself in spreadsheet format so I can import it into Zoho in a few clicks. Enjoy!

Friday, 7 August 2020

Kid Gloves as the progenitor of Angry Video Game Nerds

Whilst irate NES gamers tore their hair out in frustration attempting to beat the insanely difficult Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Battletoads, we Amiga and Atari ST computer users wrangled with the deceptively jolly, cutesy-bouncy platformer, Kid Gloves. Featuring music bearing deeper-rooted resilience than an earworm wearing climbing crampons, and a death animation you'll love then loath after the zillionth manifestation, Kid Gloves is a strong contender for one of the Amiga's most memorable games... for all the wrong reasons.

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Thursday, 6 August 2020

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Amiga spotting with The IT Crowd

Given the regular appearance of vintage computer hardware in the nerdy tech support-oriented TV sitcom, The IT Crowd, surely the mighty, historically significant Commodore Amiga must at some point also have been treated to a cameo role? Jason Fitzpatrick, curator of the Centre for Computing History in Cambridge, was responsible for decorating the basement set seen on screen, so he'd certainly be able to solve the compelling conundrum. Guess who I asked?

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And sometimes when we touch...

Gaming history is littered with the broken corpses of failed console/computer joysticks, joypads and other obscure peripherals. Triax's Turbo Touch 360 is a prime example. What seemed like an ingenious 'why has this never been tried before now?' concept, in retrospect, was a bungled misstep. Even now we're all using touchscreen smartphones and other digital devices, apparently, we prefer something that offers genuine haptic feedback when it comes to game controllers.

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We can't build our dreams, on suspicious minds

Amiga Rod-land-esque platformer, Trap 'Em, could more accurately be anointed 'Trap 'Em Then Obliterate The Alien Critters With Your Laser Gun', for that is the mechanism by which our squidgy foes can be expected to expire. Except that's not quite so catchy, is it? Plus, any airborne baddies can be blasted outright minus the inconvenience of prior trapage. As an appetite-whetting synopsis, I suspect this isn't doing justice to Paul Clarke's solo AMOS project, which is really rather good fun in a zany, aesthetically-pleasing sort of way, and therefore deserves better.

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Commodore had a video game burial ground too

Sometimes situations transpire that result in games publishers being left lumbered with many thousands of unsaleable copies of an ill-fated title. Occasionally the rumours that surplus stock is dealt with by donning a hard hat and visiting a landfill dump riding in a JCB are absolutely true!

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Achy breaky Menace

I scrutinise Guru Larry Jnr's allegation that the licensed Amiga platform game, Dennis the Menace, was deliberately rendered unbeatable to cover-up the fact (?) that it was released unfinished. In a separate article found elsewhere on my blog, you'll find an interview I conducted with the game's coder, former Ocean Software developer Ben Walshaw, to establish if there is any truth to the rumour.

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Hazy Game Reviews

Because System 3's Putty wasn't nearly Silly enough, Pink Pig Software took the stretchy ball of protagonist gloop, multiplied it by three and transformed the scenario into a single-screen arena duelling affair. 'Blob Kombat' was what transpired; a charmingly animated, three-player, AGA-powered shareware title entirely deserving of the moderate fee charged.

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Don't copy that floppy! ...steal it instead

The not-so-well hidden secret of Top Secret is that it's a shameless Rod-land rip-off, minus some of the core elements that make it so satisfying to play; spontaneous ladder generation and the fairies' comically unconventional means of attack. Is whatever remains worthy of your attention? Is Top Secret "probably the best PD game ever" as Amiga Power magazine optimistically suggested? Albeit on the cover of one of their issues which included said game on the cover disk.

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Warlocks. No, it's all true!

Benny Hill wasn't especially known for his affiliation with video games, yet here is gurning his way onto your ZX Spectrum's telebox screen doing what he does best; being chased by anyone and eventually everyone (unfortunately minus his borrowed signature theme tune). It would seem that all his lascivious leering has finally driven Benny to change his ways, turning him to the light side of community-minded benevolence. This entails carrying out three separate, altruistic tasks whilst avoiding time-sapping obstacles, and escaping capture due to his actions being misconstrued by daft onlookers. In level one, the goal is to take clothes from a washing line and delivery them to the owner's washing basket ready for ironing. For level two, clothes are substituted for apple harvesting and washerwomen pursuers for a bone-crunching tractor. Finally, bric-a-brac is the target of your attention and you that of the police.

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Om nom nom nom

'Cookie' is the ultimate cake-baking simulator you can feed to your sweet-toothed ZX Spectrum or Amiga. You'd hope so as it was made by Ultimate Play the Game, thus establishing high expectations. Charlie the Chef's sole objective is to corral the sentient, unruly ingredients required for his recipe, steering them from the larder into a giant mixing bowl using well-time flour bag projectiles without introducing any unwelcome stray objects such as screws, bolts, and tin cans.

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House of Christmas Cards

Robotron is all fine and dandy, but where's King Rudolph the Santa Emperor with his sack of yuletide remixed trinkets? And what about his unruly, sentient deck of cards? And surely 2084 should have had a duel energy bar health system implemented by then? Eugene Jarvis and Larry DeMar, to Robotron's detriment, didn't consider any of these critical conundrums, so it's fortuitous that Stavros Fasoulas was on hand to remedy their oversights. 'Galactic' is the question, the answer, the one true path to divine enlightenment. Or at least offers a diversionary bolt hole away from your relatives when they descend at Christmas.

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Wednesday, 5 August 2020

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Guns don't kill kids, Amigas do

If you've ever played Operation Wolf and wished you could swap the ice-cold-hearted, battle-hardened enemy soldiers for innocent school kids, earning points for assassinating them with a sniper rifle, just out of sporting curiosity, Schoolyard Slaughter is no doubt the game for you! Appropriately enough it was devised by the likely non-existent, anonymous developers, Sickworld Software, and kicked up quite a storm in the media several years after its release once tenuously linked with the tragic Dunblane massacre.

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Your country needs you! Join the quest to preserve extreme violence for the masses!

Proving that pretty graphics alone a good game do not make, top-down, two-player arena combat extravaganza, Extreme Violence, is infinitely unputdownable. It's even been known to spark real-world violence of an extreme nature. Just ask my armless, one-legged sister, Eileen.

You'll find an alternative video adaptation of this article on YouTube.

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Skidmarks Racer 'diska-zine'

Acid Software, publishers of the Super Sprint-inspired isometric racing game, Skidmarks for the Amiga, initially intended to issue a regular, accompanying, disk-based magazine, yours for the price of a stamp. Did it ever happen? Were you a subscriber? Please allow me to rev my investigative engine, churn the dirt, sift through the mucky evidence and douse it in shaken champagne. Or just do a bit of Googling. Whatever works for you.

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Cowaplunger duds!

Round the Bend is the sewer-situated, parody-packed kid's equivalent of the satirical, puppet-powered Spitting Image TV show, attracting sufficient viewing figures to warrant its own home micro computer game in 1991. As did its more adult-oriented analogue, adapted for off-beat bash 'em up fans by Domark. Round the Bend publishers, Impulze, were equally enamoured with Doc Croc, Jemimah Wellington-Green, Vaudeville Vince Vermin, Luchetti Bruchetti and co. So much so they released their accompanying game twice, under a different name on each occasion. Its budget release, published in 1993, was known as Doc Croc's Outrageous Adventures, which appropriately is itself tantamount to a double entendre.

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Things Ain't Working Out Down At The Farm

In the UK, playing computer games based on Italian comic book characters we'd never heard of wasn't a fantastically popular pastime. I'd hazard a guess the same would apply to every other non-Italian-speaking country in the world. All of which explains why when I mention 'Lupo Alberto' you'll likely furrow your brow with dumbfounded befuddlement, crab-stepping away into the shadows whistling nonchalantly, avoiding eye contact at all costs. But wait! Come back! It turns out that the game of the comic book is a solid little traditional platformer, draped in the sheen of seductively rudimentary cartoony visuals.

Premisely-speaking you shouldn't struggle to keep up; playing as the eponymous lupine protagonist (or Maria, his hen girlfriend), the objective is to find a comfortable spot in the landscape to... er... be intimate. Apparently, the rest of the wildlife featured doesn't approve of our inter-species relationship, making them the designated 'enemies'.

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Xeroxmorphs in Dittoland - T-Racer

In 1992 Team 17's Project-X was the preposterously-gorgeously slick shmup to beat. Polished to a lustre 17 fathoms beyond eye-melting. Because it was the number one R-Type-killer to stomp into the mud, mockingly chanting "haha, we killed your R-Type-killer dead", Virtual Dreams attempted to replicate it two years later by virtue of their me-too work of art, T-Racer. It certainly looks the part - you'd be forgiven for thinking it was Project-X's mind-bogglingly-ravishingly-aesthetically-splendiferous official add-on pack. It even tacks on a Star Wars-esque trench-run bonus stage wedged inside a Game Gear clone... which, being so primitive in comparison, looks a fair bit less pretty. An odd design choice to be sure.

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Getting out of my depth for Pete's sake

Wild West, gunslinging desperado, Badlands Pete, is appointed chief daughter-rescuer on behalf of the governor in ARC's 2D, side-scrolling arcade shooter. Only problem is he can't mosey with his pistol drawn, which tends to limit his kidnap-recovery mission. No matter, Badlands Pete is better-known for its 'Strip-A-Motion' claim to fame. Even if it is of debatable veracity.

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The Games that Weren't Article that Wasn't

Now that the former Game That Wasn't, Ultracore (nee Hardcore), has finally been salvaged from pixel scrapyard oblivion, published for the SEGA Mega Drive, Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, and PS Vita in 2019, people like to ignore the fact that Digital Illusions' run 'n' gun platform shoot 'em up was originally intended for release on the Amiga. Nevermind, I'm just glad it materialised full stop, through whatever means. I'm more disgruntled that its unveiling has made my old 'lost treasure' article redundant. ;)

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Xeroxmorphs in Dittoland - Super Beau in Wonder World

Playing Kid Gloves II for more than five seconds you'll be struck by how little it has in common with Kid Gloves part I. There's a good reason for that; scratch just below the Pritt-Sticked on name tag and it's actually an independently developed cutesy platformer previously known as Little Beau. Ironically, it plays far more like Wonder Boy than the game it was adopted to sequelise.

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The cure for the summertime zoos

CJ's Elephant Antics is Codemasters reasonably successful attempt to recreate the magic of Taito's arcade classic, New Zealand Story. OK, so it's somewhat trunkcated *pause for uncontrollable laughter*, yet wholesome, convivial fun regardless. We play as the acronymous, titular CJ who ain't gonna take it no more! He's fled captivity homeward bound for Africa, crossing continents, conquering climates and dispatching dissenters. Armed with a bomb or two and an infinite supply of peanuts, CJ has balanced on his last beach ball!

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Xeroxmorphs in Dittoland - Alien Bash II

There's no avoiding the elephant in the room - Alien Bash II is a freebie, PD rendition of The Chaos Engine. Lock, stock, kit and caboodle... or whatever the phrase is. If it hadn't been given away for nuffink via an Amiga Format cover disk, I suspect the Bitmap Brothers might have sued for plagiarism damages. That minor quibble aside, it looks great, and plays exceptionally well for an amateur hobbyist project.

https://archive.org/details/alien-bash-ii-dreamkatcha-review
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Slam plonk the Flonk!

What was that funny game called we used to play at school where you'd kick a row of six furry, brown, Furby-like critters at an opponent? If you managed to boot all your 'Beloms' onto their side of the pitch so they were reluctantly in possession of all twelve simultaneously, you could then charge over into their territory and declare yourself victorious. I can't remember, nevermind. Anyway, it was much like Rainbow Arts' alternative sports computer game, Grand Monster Slam. Just like the playground version, we're pitted against an octopus, minotaur, duck, elf, troll and so on, and engage in intermittent bonus rounds to spice up the main event. During these, we must fend off downtrodden, indignant Beloms with a pugal stick, or launch them into the hungry mouths of podium-mounted 'Faultons'. What a bizarre coincidence!

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Spodland lives!

In 1992 Amiga Power in collaboration with The Hidden, developers of everyone's favourite samurai duck, Donk, ran a design a game competition, the illustrious prize being for the winning entry to be transformed into a fully playable, cover-mounted public domain game. Who won, and where can you download their magnum opus today?

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Meet Wildcat's big brother

"Blazing your way to glory" in Wings of Fury initially rests on one's ability to successfully lift off from an aircraft carrier situated in the Pacific Ocean. A tricky task that flummoxes many newcomers to such an extent that they give up at the first hurdle, never to fully appreciate the joys of the horizontally scrolling, arcade-strategy flight sim that captivated my inner Maverick as a child. As the pilot of an F6F Hellcat deeply entrenched in America's World War II campaign against the ferocious Imperial Japanese army, our pivotal contribution comprises mowing down exposed foot soldiers patrolling the beaches, eliminating bunkers, machine gun nests and barracks, torpedoing battleships into oblivion and engaging in high-altitude, spine-tingling dogfights.

If you struggled to get airborne from the outset, good luck touching down again to refuel, replenish ammunition supplies and carry out repairs! You'll soon discover that fighter planes are far less efficient resting on the seabed 50ft below the surface.

This article is also available as a video presentation on YouTube.

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You can tell a penguin by what he has to say

Deceptively simple, our cutesy penguin protagonist's goal in Crazy Seasons is to shove together in a designated order a selection of four blocks labelled with geometrically distinct shapes. These can be located anywhere on the single-screen levels, often guarded by patrolling enemies of the wildlife variety. While these can easily be killed by ramming blocks into them or using a temporary bonus revolver, it's not in our interests to eliminate them entirely. Should we accidentally clear the screen of baddies before completing our current block configuration challenge, the mission is a failure. How novel! A game that rewards us for preserving our adversaries.

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Bondyman, Bondyman, does anything a Spider can

Loopy scientist, Dr Devious, operating under the influence of an unhealthy obsession with Picasso's cubist paintings has devised a gizmo that turns buildings, objects and even people into solid, useless cubes that then only serve to take up space and trip up unsuspecting pedestrians. To counter this gravely serious threat, the secret service drafts in their most trusted 007 impersonator, JJ Maverick. That's us for the purposes of Image Works' imaginative, single-screen puzzle-platformer, Devious Designs.

Deblocking the entire world, thereby saving humanity as we know it, entails shunting a series of Tetris-esque geometric shapes into translucent placeholder slots to formulate a pattern. Implement the configuration within a set timeframe without getting distracted by the picturesque, emblematic scenery and it's onto the next stage.

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You can't do magic

We, a mighty wizard's incompetent apprentice have opened Pandora's box unleashing an army of 'Fuzzball' critters into his tower to wreak havoc. To complicate matters further, we too have been transformed into a quadriplegic ball of fluff. To regain the boss's trust and convince him to transform us back to human form we must clear each single-screen level by collecting treasure and eliminating the pesky escapees with our blue pellet projectiles.

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reTHINK Pink

If you're rich, sleepwalk and reside in a mansion packed to the rafters with expensive ornaments, don't be surprised if you receive a visit from the Pink Panther, cat burglar extraordinaire. For it is his 'duty' to rob you blind whilst preoccupied roaming the extensive corridors of your home, obliviously unaware of the Panther of colour's crooked, clandestine scheme. Anyway, that's their problem. In Magic Bytes' puzzle-platformer we assume the role of the eponymous predator tasked with preventing our victims from awakening prior to pilfering their precious loot. In principle, it's a lot like Ocean's Sleepwalker, only with less virtuous objectives.

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A bundle of dreams

Bundling Ocean Software's highly acclaimed Batman the movie multi-genre, arcade-action platform game with Amiga 500 hardware back in 1989 played an immensely influential role in the system's proliferation. I chart the rise of the console-beating computer beginning with that key decision made by Commodore's then UK managing director, David Pleasance.

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The Vampire Strikes Back

Count Dracula is up to his old neck-chewing tricks again over in Transylvania (the Vampire's Empire) and only Doctor Van Helsing is qualified and equipped to banish him back to his box permanently. In Magic Bytes' horror-themed platformer we learn that to contain the deadly threat our doc saviour must target Dracula by reflecting magic light beams deep into the core of his soul via the precision positioning of mirrors. It wouldn't hurt to keep some gloves of garlic handy either.

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Three ways to die in Babyland

Baby Jo goes home. That's almost the title and this cutesy, quirky French platformer in a nutshell. Except the eponymous tyke is blessed with genuine personality, a comically novel health-monitoring system and beautifully simplistic cartoony graphics that would entice hardcore cynics and big soft pansies alike. Plus, just for the helluvit up pops Daffy Duck! I got that carried away by this off-the-wall oddity, it's also available as a video presentation on YouTube.

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Tuesday, 4 August 2020

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More fox than you can sheikh a golden scooter at

During the height of the super-cute platformer game era, Titus' contribution was to lend their mascot, Titus the Fox, to the cause. It's an entertaining, solidly constructed effort enlivened with charming graphics, albeit one hampered by excessively rapid motion and infuriating inertia. Interaction with springs, weaponised crates, skateboards and magic carpets further enhance the above-average offering better-known in France for its association with humorist, TV presenter, singer and actor, Vincent Lagaf. In the original iteration, Lagaf is the playable protagonist rather than Titus the Fox.

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Is cloning the future a pre-crime?

Dr A. Noid, perpetrator of the Great Biological Holocaust, remains on the loose in a post-apocalyptic world crawling with slime-oozing zombies high on 'SLU'. Naturally, as a totally coincidental Mad Max look-a-like bounty hunter, we're obliged to engage our ATV in obliterating all vehicular threats in our path whilst dodging mines and gun turrets. Because battering ram combat vehicles generally won't fit through pedestrian doorways, we must occasionally exit to explore buildings on foot with a view to euthanising anything that shambles or groans suspiciously.

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We've got tonight babe, why don't you stay?

Today, games presented entirely through an artistic silhouette perspective are so commonplace they probably represent a genre in themselves. Back in 1991 when Jason Kingsley introduced us to the intriguing visual effect via his hack 'n' slash platformer, Blade Warrior, it was a genuine novelty. Featureless sprite outlines set against minimally tinted moonlit backdrops alone sufficient to make the title interesting. An artefact-gathering, spell-crafting provision further differentiates the attention-grabbing platformer, introducing a hint of RPG mechanics.

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Now playing in Squint-o-vision

Many Amiga game developers were guilty of wasting swathes of playfield screen real estate, instead dedicating the space to enormous pixel-hogging HUDs. Typically this was done to minimise the system resources required to animate the active playing area at a reasonable framerate without going above and beyond the call of duty in the application of sophisticated workarounds. I track down the worst offenders and tabulate the results... because I still can't quite get over the disappointment of playing long-awaited games in a postage-stamp-sized square surrounded by useless guff.

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The Unreviewables

Some games are such pitiful non-entities that I'd struggle to find enough words to form what you could justifiably call a review. Here I explain why Dick Tracy for the Amiga falls into such a category, while writing far more on the subject than it deserves.

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Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, fix Robocop

I investigate Guru Larry Jnr's claim that Ocean attempted to cover-up a graphically distorted level of RoboCop for the Commodore 64 by setting an unbeatably stingy time limit in the preceding stage. All because they couldn't be bothered, or didn't have the time, to fix the issue prior to release.

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hulkhoganwearsyellownickers

Ocean's first foray into sweaty, muscle-bound, square circle brawling wasn't canvas-quaking by any stretch of the imagination, yet when you experience it at the pinnacle of your childhood WWF Wrestlemania fixation, playing against an excitable flesh and blood opponent, it tends to make an impact extending far beyond its impartial merit. Embodying The Ultimate Warrior, stalking Sergeant Slaughter beyond the safeish confines of the ring brandishing a stainless steel chair will do that for you. Especially when previously you've only ever watched the action unfold on the family TV set with no control over the outcome. First wrestling game wow-factor aside, the graphics are colourful, well-drawn and instantly recognisable, whilst an utterly immersive intro sequence drops you right into a front-row seat, oversized foam hand at the ready!

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Xeroxmorphs in Dittoland - guilty feet have got no rhythm

Leading a second-rate cast of B movie imposters in Codemasters' hack 'n' slash platformer, Sword & The Rose (aka Prince Clumsy), we Loki horns with a deja vu-spiking gaggle of ghouls, ghosts and goblins. Can you guess from which famous duo of Capcom games it draws inspiration/nicks the design and artwork lock, stock and barrel?

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My samoflange is all out of whack

Beyond the Ice Palace is by and large an unremarkable Ghosts 'n' Goblins-esque platforming romp concerned with redressing the wonky balance between good and evil. What makes it worthy of deeper analysis is an intriguing origin story that belies its non-licensed status. More specifically, Beyond the Ice Palace was initially developed as an official accompaniment to the ThunderCats cartoon, later debranded when another game being produced in parallel was instead chosen to represent the popular '80s IP. A story originally discovered, exhumed and reported by Guru Larry Jnr. I simply rehashed it, interweaving a review of the ThunderCats game that wasn't.

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Xeroxmorphs in Dittoland - Indiana Groans and the Dead Ephalump Pilgrimage

One man's dream has become one man's destiny! But which man, Tusker or Indiana Jones? Either way, we're duty-bound to follow in our father's footsteps in search of the legendary elephant graveyard, sequestered somewhere deep within the undiscovered, inhospitable tropics of African. Will we unearth ivory beyond our wildest dreams or just the desiccated bones of Sean Connery?

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Heaven is a halfpipe when you're a sk8er boi

Skidz from Core Design aptly demonstrates that kidz can be kool as well as environmentally responsible. Whether we choose to ride BMX or skateboard wheelz, our mission is to collect 75% of the litter strewn across each obstacle course stage, earning bonus points in between for performing stunts. Scavenged refreshments boost health, whilst money can be exchanged for hardware upgrades. Skidz is pretty much what happens if you play Paperboy in reverse.

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Just my rifle, Sony and me

In Infogrames' Safari Guns we're invited to shoot local wildlife and photograph the scurrilous poachers slaughtering endangered species to produce tacky tourist trinkets. Or is it the other way round? Either way, it's like Operation Wolf with a muddled stance towards violence, armed with a Nikon.

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Hair today, gone tomorrow

Scientific boffin genius, Dr Bakterius, has been kidnapped by a shady terrorist organisation known as O.M.A., impelling bumbling private eye detectives, Mort and Phil aka Clever and Smart, into incisive action. If you're Spanish and have terrible taste in illustrated fiction, you may recognise the not-so-dynamic duo from a newsagent comic book stand near you. In the top-down action-puzzle game of the comic book, our goofball protagonists begin their misguided reconnaissance mission wandering about the local town armed with a magnifying glass and their limited crime-solving nous. Following their amply bulging noses, Mort and Phil descend deep into the city's manky sewer system in search of the nefarious underground organisation. Our main challenge is negotiating hazardous streets as we juggle scarce resources such as food and the money required to buy disguises and solve other simplistic puzzles. It's all about as sophisticated as the degree of care and attention dedicated to in-game consistency, grammar and spellchecking.

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Spiderfanfaction

Mary Jane has been kidnapped by the facelessly enigmatic supervillain, Mysterio, retreating to his home turf playground to begin taunting her imminent knight in red and blue lycra, Spider-Man. Luring Spidey through six booby-trapped movie sets, Mysterio is in a prime position to execute the special effect trickery he has spent his former career perfecting. Venturing through 250 screens worth of hostile, pliable assailants - curiously not all of whom emanate from the Marvel universe - culminates in a perilous bid to extricate Mary Jane from a rigged contraption of encroaching doom-mongery. Highly specialised torture kit sold by Acme I believe.

Just as developers, Oxford Digital Enterprises, took a few tangential handbrake turns into non-lore-ful unorthodoxy, I may too have applied a hint of artistic licence in assessing this one, hence the title. It's also available as a video presentation on YouTube because madness is infectious.

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Le Coup du parapluie starring Bub and Bob

Rainbows retired, Bub and Bob are back, now armed to the teeth with... Mary Poppins prop paraphernalia. Parasol Stars is the arguably better sequel to Taito's arcade coin-op classic hit, Rainbow Islands. You'll struggle to find a baddie dispatch mechanic to rival the satisfaction of unbridled umbrella battery! In close combat situations, it functions as a blunt bludgeoning tool or water droplet propulsion dispenser, whilst with more time to scheme, we can catch individual water droplets, accumulate a super water bomb, then unleash a torrential flood to sweep out the monstrous reprobates barring our progress. Mastery of all combinations of attack in quick succession enriches the challenge with an ingenious strategy element rarely seen in arcade-action games.

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Games coder Steve Howard discusses Bride of Frankenstein and Werewolves in London

I chat to the frightfully talented coder of two blood-curdling 8-bit arcade-action games of classic horror origin. We explore the design decisions taken, artistic influences and what might have been without the imposition of the primitive host systems' limitations.

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Talkin' bout a revolution

Despotic mononymous nutjob, Fernandez, has overthrown the legitimate government of the Democratic Republic of El Diablo. As a fearless Commando substitute for hire, we're drafted in to oust him from his cushy self-appointed kingdom via a top-down, vertically scrolling shooter that takes inspiration from all the usual suspects... Ikari Warriors, Rambo, Gun.Smoke etc. Enhancements to the basic formula are evident in the provision of multiple modes of transport and the option to play cooperatively with a second player, splitting aiming and navigation duties.

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Your move creep

An in-depth analysis of Ocean Software's innovative, experimental effort to combat piracy through dongle-based authorisation. RoboCop 3, published in 1992, was chosen as the game through which to test the optimistic technique. Accompanying three floppy disks was a hardware device you would be obliged, rather inconveniently, to connect to one of your Amiga system's joystick ports whenever playing the game. Unfortunately for Ocean - and possibly the fate of the Amiga as a viable platform - the copyright protection mechanism was rapidly hacked out of the code by crackers, the resultant standalone version made freely available on a global scale.

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War was more fun in my day

Sturmtruppen is the run-and-gun Amiga-exclusive World War II horizontally scrolling platform game you've never heard of, based on the Italian comic book you've never heard of. Think Green Beret crossed with Silkworm, inflected with the 'humour' of Dad's Army. What keeps it marginally interesting is the capacity to switch between various modes of transport, and a generous selection of diverse weaponry. Cobbling together a psychedelic mash-up montage, synchronised to Cannon Fodder's 'War Has Never Been So Much Fun' theme tune also helps to liven it up a bit. Ask YouTube for directions.

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More fun than a barrel of monkeys

In CarVup we star as Arnie, a cute little vehicle that would look right at home in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, yet was actually plucked from Jaleco's City Connection arcade coin-op. Our goal is simply to explore every last area of a given level within a limited timeframe, transforming the appearance of platforms to reverse Captain Grim's evil influence. It's a sub-genre in itself believe it or not - the 'platform painter'.

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National Thexder's Egyptian Vacation

Denton Designs' one of a kind scrolling 2D action-adventure platformer, Eye of Horus, drops us into the antiquated sandals of venerated ancient Egyptian hawk-headed deity, Horus. Explore the pyramids and transcendental myths surrounding his turbulent existence, flipping effortlessly between Horus' duel forms to re-live his notoriously epic struggle to avenge the death of his father Osiris, King of Egypt, at the hands of Set, his brother, the malevolent murderous usurper, god of deserts, storms, disorder, and violence.

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When it's clear as MUD, in your neighbourhood. Who ya gonna call?

I explore the gaming life and times of multi-talented artist, coder and musician, Antony Crowther, quizzing him specifically on Captain Planet and the Planeteers. Because for no logical reason it fascinates me.

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Greeny McPeaceface

If every movie, TV show, breakfast cereal, soft drink and so on, ad infinitum, is fair game for pixel-powered home micro adaptation, why not charities? Greenpeace certainly thought it couldn't hurt their eco-conservation cause, hence the existence of the multi-genre, sub-game medley, Rainbow Warrior, named in commemoration of their sabotaged, catastrophically capsized ship. Each challenge was inspired by a real-world threat to our environment or its inhabitants, aiming to entertain whilst educating gamers regarding our role in supporting the future of the planet.

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Monday, 3 August 2020

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Dino Dini, Deenie Dino and Dudley Duck - last-minute stocking filler anyone?

Noddalodda people know this; the outfit who manufactured 9-pin, D-sub connector QuickShot joysticks in the '80s and '90s also very briefly dabbled with remote-controlled novelty toys. You might have caught a fleeting glance at one of these in Argos or Tandy before they sunk without a trace... until now.

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Galvatron, oh, Galvatron, I still hear your particle accelerator cannons crashin'...

In the game of the animated TV show, Challenge of the Gobots, inspired by the transforming toyline, we clamber into the cockpit of Leader-1, big cheese commander of the Guardians. To scupper Dr Braxis' scheme to destroy earth, having taken hostage of our chums for bartering chips, we must flip into F-15 fighter jet mode to tackle the threat by way of a Defender clone set on planet Moebius. Spaceships are tackled with lasers blasts, land-dwelling vehicles with rocks of all weapons. Neutering the onslaught at source, however, necessitates the destruction of enemy bases by unleashing land-tracking bombs, clones of Leader-1's sidekick, Scooter.

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Chews flash!

Eye-gougingly garish platformer, Snapperazzi, published by Alternative Software and developed by 'Mental', certainly is, both. Should you and your grey matter momentarily part company, you'll agree to be recruited as a scuzzy snap-hound alien hailing from the Planet Dirk, employed by the cat litter tray liner Sun newspaper. As such your only objective is to deliver at any cost exclusive photos of the superest mega-stars known to gossip column codswallop. Absolutely scandalous! ...in the sense that you were expected to pay £20 for the privilege of being bombarded with ads for Chewits, Domino's Pizza and The Sun news rag.

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You are what you invent

Minding his own business, eating himself to death one night in front of the gogglebox, probably watching Gogglebox, Roy Fat's better half is kidnapped by the unsavoury Thindicate corporation. Rescuing her - preferably without handing over Roy's precious food duplicator invention - entails donning his Bananaman leotard disguise, sweeping through multiple divergently-themed platform stages, munching on everything in sight, whilst belly-bumping or burping into touch any enemies encountered.

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Sleepcoding with former CTA developer, John Scott

Sleepwalker programmer, John Scott, drops in to answer my questions concerning one of the Amiga's most impressive action-puzzle games. Not only satiating kid's craving for entertainment, Sleepwalker actually fed plenty of undernourished children in the UK and Africa via its affiliation with the Comic Relief charity appeal. Solidifying its seal of quality, Lenny Henry makes a vocal cameo appearance during the cutscenes, enhancing Ralph's already quirkily endearing persona.

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Extremely safe violence

Techno Cop is the kind of law enforcement officer who investigates criminal activity by blasting Death on Arrival gang members to smithereens with his .88 Magnum... and asking questions, never. To stay one step ahead of the delinquent punks he'll need to arrive at the scene of the crime before DoA even know which law they're about to violate. Fortuitous then that our high-tech crime-stopper comes equipped with a hyper-tuned V-Max Ferrari, neatly splicing the game into distinctive against-the-clock driving and scrolling shoot 'em up platformer segments.

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